Excerpt after the Angels from Healed, A Memoir (Part II)

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After the Angels:  I love talking about the angels I saw during surgery and how they helped facilitate healing of my body.  I uploaded an excerpt from my memoir in progress in an earlier post and stopped the story at the point I began to leave the hospital.

Recently, I made my first YouTube video about my NDE because I wanted to tell the story plainly and unedited. I know some people prefer audios and videos to written accounts.   I contacted A&E about using my portion of the show I Survived:  Beyond in Back in a video, but technically people are breaking copyright laws by posting portions of various shows on YouTube.

One of my hopes in writing this memoir, blogging, and making videos is that the more accounts of NDEs there are, the more seriously doctors and surgeons will take these experiences.  I verified my death with my surgeon, but it would have been fantastic to talk in greater depth about my experience, check details about the surgery I witnessed, and have greater support from the hospital.  In the future, I see this happening more and more frequently for patients who have these experiences.

Here is the continuation of those life-changing experiences outside of my body.

Excerpt from Healed:

…..Though I realized I was leaving a lot of people behind, I felt free, happy, and more peaceful than I had ever felt in my body.  Death wasn’t scary, but rather like international travel or childhood—a liberating, fun, new, freedom-filled reality.  My spirit body sped quickly through the hospital and into the night sky above Austin.  I thought of the half-hearted prayer I had offered while being transported into the ambulance.  I thought about how I was free and flying now, much like the bird I had seen before the door to the ambulance shut.

In this space of freedom, I experienced a quick life review, as if flipping through a book I’d read before, seeing only the beautiful highlights. The light didn’t want me to relive any pain others had caused me or I had caused myself.  All self-harm, self-loathing, insecurity and confusion were forgiven by the most loving force I have ever encountered.  Fear and worry became invisible, like a cloud that evaporates during the next bright day.  These concepts were simply washed away.

After this brief analysis, I felt a growing understanding and oneness with everyone I had ever known.  I had not been a particularly unkind person at the age of twenty-two.  I was rather shy, insecure, and spent a lot of time reading and lost in my own thoughts and daydreams, opening up and connecting with others only after several drinks.  I had disappointed a few people, but I had not hurt anyone very deeply.

I saw into the minds of a few of the people I waited tables with at Tres Amigos earlier that year.  They wondered why I did not speak openly with them.  I had thought that they were not particularly cool because they were single moms or married and older instead of a university student like me.  Our only interactions happened around the margarita machine as we filled up 16-ounce Styrofoam cups disguised as soda and laughed about how the night became more bearable and the tips flowed more generously the more we and our customers drank.

I realized that I shunned people who were not like me, and that I was failing to notice a world of connection.  Many times their beautiful hearts were concerned for me, wondering if I might be depressed or sad for reasons they couldn’t fully understand.  Their kindness was a form of love.  I saw that I had been missing out on, at the very least, a more pleasant working environment because of my cliquishness and pride.  Many times, the loveliest people imaginable might be working or living right beside us and we ignore their struggles, their hopes, and their light because of our own insecurities or arrogance.

After experiencing this connection with a few of my co-workers and others, the light took me back to childhood.  I was a sweet child (as most are) and deeply in tune with nature, even able to coax wild rabbits near me as I played in the bushes outside my house.  The light showed me that everyone needs to spend more time in nature to heal and become more whole, more loving and joyful.  I saw that most people disconnect from their souls and focus on survival instead of enjoyment and play.  Nature can help people to reconnect with their sense of delight and wonder.

If I had to sum up the main lesson from this part of the near-death experience, I would say that God, or the light, is a loving force that doesn’t want people to harm each other and truly desires that we feel joy and happiness in our lives.  Love and kindness are the greatest gifts we can give to one another.  We are all a part of that light, but we often forget how to love because of fear.

We forget how to walk through this world as the light.  We are all closer to God as children because in our innocence love comes more naturally for us.   We are gleeful in our interactions with pets, watching a bird in the sky, or gazing into our parent’s eyes.  We are in love with the world, and the world is in love with us.  Most of us breathed easier as children; we lived with a more open and extended awareness, and therefore felt things more intensely.

After experiencing a greater sense of oneness and understanding with people, I then spent a few moments in childhood with my grandfather, Clyde.  He was the only person close to me who had died before my NDE.  A poor country man, he had nevertheless always spoiled me to the best of his ability.  I hopped on the back of his blue Chevy truck and he drove us slowly towards the light of God.  My feet dragged the ground through bright clover and grass, light-filled and greener and more intense than any grass I had ever encountered on earth.

Grandpa was younger and healthier than when I knew him, and he leaned his head out the window to ask if I wanted to keep going.  I nodded yes.   The truck lifted off the ground, and I headed toward the light.  At some point, I was no longer in the truck and my grandfather was not with me anymore.  I was very close to a love I can’t describe with words.  I have tried to write about this experience so many times, but I break down and can’t find the language.

I miss the love.  I miss the light.  A large part of me never wanted to leave the safety of that place.  There I felt no stress and more love than I ever imagined possible.  I felt more joy and contentment than even the brightest moments this life ever provided, and I didn’t really want to return to my body.  If a soul could smile, then my soul smiled, and I drowsed comfortably without worry.  I felt complete and utter trust in this experience, a full surrender.

As I got deeper into to the light, I actually felt the prayers of my mother, father, grandmothers, and a couple of my aunts.  I especially experienced the prayer of a great-aunt who lost a daughter in a car wreck.  I very clearly heard her pray and beg God that my mother not suffer the pain she had when she lost her daughter.  This touched me, and I almost wished to return because of her sweet prayer.  I found it amusing that I could not feel any prayers from the most pious and religious of my aunts, Aunt Jackie.  I think what I felt more than prayers was their love.  I knew who loved me and didn’t want me to leave the earth.  I also knew who didn’t care if I died, but I didn’t judge this information.  I understood the wholeness and completeness of experience.

One of the most important lessons transferred to me by the light is that love is all that matters.  Though this seems like a hippie slogan or a paraphrase from the Beatles, the message saturated me on a deeper level.  Every interaction is meaningless if love is not attached to it in some way.  A prayer is meaningless without love.  A sermon is meaningless without love.  A religion is meaningless without love.   Life is meaningless without love.

The prayers of those who loved me felt like a gentle wind, slowing down my progress towards the light.  Though the love felt sweet and reminded me of my life on earth, their entreaties did not quell my desire to keep going deeper into the light.  I’ve always been an adventurous soul, and this was the greatest adventure I’d ever been on.

As I journeyed more deeply into the most profoundly benevolent force imaginable, the light told me to look down and revealed a river.  Next to the river were thousands of other lights that were somehow connected to me.  I looked down at my own spirit body and saw how large and light-filled it had become.  I knew I had become someone different from the wild, fearful, jaded young woman who entered the ER earlier that day.

The light then suggested that I should return to earth and work as a teacher.  Actually, the light didn’t merely suggest that I might become a teacher, rather that there were no other options for me.  I wanted to argue.  Surely this light, a force that loved me this much had to know how I hated growing up poor and wanted a career more lucrative than the teaching profession.  Surely the divine light knew I was shy and petrified of public speaking.  Surely the light understood I was a feminist and wanted to avoid all traditional careers for women.  Though I hadn’t planned on law school immediately after graduation, I pictured myself going into tax or bankruptcy litigation, any type of law that wouldn’t require me to speak frequently in court.

I had so many questions about the reasons why the light needed me to return to my body and teach.  However, this message would be my very last moment in the presence of God, and I wasn’t given a second more near a love that is greater than all comprehension. The idea of my life as a teacher was now etched deeply into my brain; it was a strangely joyful image, though I didn’t understand why at the time.  The truth is, I would’ve preferred to stay on the other side, but I didn’t have a choice.  The decision was made for me to return.

Re-entering my physical body was like being swallowed up by a dark wind. I had felt more alive while dead.  Most of the magic, light, and beauty disappeared, and my body felt heavy, drugged, and painful.  I didn’t want to be stuck in the limited experience of my corporeal form with my history, my stories, my psychological and childhood wounds, my powers of reasoning.

Outside of my body, I was both myself and greater than myself, connected to an incredible download of information.  During that time, I knew so much more than I could ever know living in this one, limited perspective.  The experience of a more expansive and connected universe made my individual experience seem boring and inadequate.  I had been inside the minds of so many others, and now I only had my mind to process life….

38 thoughts on “Excerpt after the Angels from Healed, A Memoir (Part II)

  1. Pingback: Excerpt about the Angels from Healed, A Memoir | Tricia Barker

  2. I really enjoyed reading this excerpt. I think you attention to detail is wonderful. The descriptive words that you use helped me see the event very clear. All I can say is WOW! Teach me to write like this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What an amazing story! My honest first thoughts were; “how can she be sure it wasn’t the anesthesia?” or “these could totally be dreams!”, but as I continued reading, the unbelievable inspiration began to fill my heart! As a christian, that can sometimes feel doubtful, this was so powerful for me. I was almost in tears. I love how you illustrated how much you wanted to stay in the “light” and how it guided you to your current career that you would have never considered! Thanks for sharing!

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  4. Your experience, like your writing, is truly inspirational! What I found most profound in the story was how liberating “The Light” was, and how that contrasted with the entrapment of re-entering the limitations of an earthly body. You had a beautiful glimpse of life after this one, which adds value to what you could accomplish here and now. Your story is inspirational.

    As a teenager, my favorite magazine was “Guideposts.” The experience you wrote of here, should be in that magazine, in a section they call “His Mysterious Ways.”

    This was a beautiful story, and should be shared more.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I remember Guideposts as well. I appreciate your comment. It was disappointing to no longer be able to fly and feel completely and deeply loved. Most NDEers have no fear of death, so I hope telling my story gives others peace about the dying process. Many blessings to you.

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  5. I enjoyed reading this. It caught my attention from the very begging. I love all the detail it made me feel as if I was there. This story is such an inspiration.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have always been scared of leaving this world, and leaving my family behind. Scared of what happens after the lights turn off. Your life experience has put my mind at ease. It has opened my mind to think in a different prospective of what I can look forward to. It helped me understand that I should stop being mad all the time, worrying and thinking negative and focus more on being happy, going outdoors, having more fun with my daughter, laughing as much as I can and living life to the fullest. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

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    • Norma…thanks so much for your response. Life is indeed precious. I hope you have lots of beautiful moments outdoors with your daughter. Near Death Experiencers have no fear of death, and we want to put others minds at ease as well.

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  8. What a beautiful article. Aside from the amazing experience you describe, what really hit home for me was this line: “I saw that I shunned people who were not exactly like me, and I saw how I was missing out on a world of connection.”

    I realize that i have done that too. I still do sometimes. It really inspired me to start celebrating the differences in others and value my own preferances enough not to need anyone to share that exact experience. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing what helped you. Working with the public has been a blessing, and I don’t think I would have enjoyed it that much with out my “attitude change” on the other side. I have met so many amazing students over the years, and enjoyed every moment of it.

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  10. Thank you, Tricia, for sharing your experience, I am so very grateful! As a child I knew that love was all that mattered and felt like a square peg in a round hole navigating a world that didn’t seem to value it much at all. I now share that message as an author/illustrator of children’s books after years of fighting that calling and focusing on a ‘real job’. Your story inspires me to continue.

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  14. This was such a great read! I enjoyed the imagery you shared with us, allowing us to see how your light/soul soared around the hospital. I hope that talking about these instances does become more common practice in healthcare than it is currently. Though some people are fearful of what they do not understand, choosing to ignore it or stay tight lipped. As with every topic, though, some in the healthcare industry would love to chat more about these experiences. I guess you’ve just got to be lucky enough to have one happen under the right persons care. I know a few nurses and providers, including myself, who would love to hear about and discuss “paranormal” or “out of body” experiences. Im sure I will be watching your video on this too, as I’m sure it will draw me in just as well.

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  15. I found your story very interesting. I have always felt that there are guardians around us and sometimes I can feel the work they are doing within the fabric of my life. I have seen miracles with in my own family that gives me confirmation that there has to be God and angels in this world around us, There is no way we are here alone. So amazing that you were able to remember your story and share it with others,

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  19. Your experience alleviates concerns we sometimes have about “the end.” It sounds so peaceful and so beautiful that for you being back must be so peaceful. I would want to do exactly what you are doing: telling everyone the details leading up to it, how beautiful it was, and how it was difficult to leave. Thank you for making it a point to teach others the lessons that this experience taught you.

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  22. I love this. Honestly, I love stories like this, so I had high expectations and they were met. I love how much detail there is. It makes it feel as if I can almost see it in my head as a movie. Such a well spoken/written piece.

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  31. HI Tricia,
    I feel so jealous of your NDE. I feel very cheated that you have those images to keep.
    I feel so lacking in power with my NDE. In fact, I don’t even remember leaving my body. I remember invisible beings close to me, sometimes talking to me in my head, sometimes from across the room. Around the age of 8 I became very anti social. I felt so stupid and unloved that I chose to not talk to anyone. Nobody liked the stories I told of these invisible beings that spoke to me like counselors.
    These invisible beings wanted me to pray for that raging, grieving mother that I existed with.
    I told others that there was no such thing as death and they had hateful faces for me. I learned to talk to no one. I have yet to have a best friend, or boyfriend or husband and this society says I am 63 years old.
    In my 20’s earth time, one of these voices I bonded with led me to the book “Living the Infinite Way”. My goosebumps of joy had begun.
    Then I found books written by beings from another world, like the Seth books and Edgar Cayce books. No one understood these books, so I stayed anti social.
    But after reading books like “Healers and the Healing Process” which spoke of doctors being in another reality that were connected to us, I began to wish the best for others. I wanted to see magic and miracles. Then one day a co worker fell down in pain in front of me. I asked him if he wanted a doctor and he said nothing. Then I felt a huge amount of energy enter my body and just vibrate there, waiting as if I was supposed to do something. So I put my hand on this man and instantly he stood up not in pain anymore.
    WOW !!! I had no one to tell. After that I had a few more experiences healing myself with my thoughts. Those Seth books taught me that it was my own thoughts that made me sick. When feeling sick, I was supposed to immediately tell myself that I was well. And this worked.
    I had also read the book “Psychic Healers”. In this book was a chapter about a Korean priest that had stepped on a wooden stake that went up from his foot through his leg. He just pulled it out, and then calmly put his hand on this huge wound for about a few seconds and the soldier with him saw the wound heal up. That fast.
    I wanted to heal that fast. I believed it.
    Then about 3 to 4 years ago, I found information on quantum physics. It said that there was no particle/wave duality. This is how the Kingdom of God is within us. We are all saturated with God’s brain waves, waves being the structure of the space and time that we think we are in. We pulsate with these waves, turning them into frequencies. that is what solidity is–frequencies. That makes solidity an illusion. WOW. We are breathing, eating, and thinking with God’s brain waves. If these waves were not conscious, then nothing would be conscious because we are constantly bursting forth from them. Except, that we resonate these waves into frequencies rather than bursting from them as if we are separate. We are ONE with these waves, constantly turning them into frequencies called solidity. And this has been physics for a very long time. Not that there is such a thing as time.
    So we are these selves of light the whole time. In the book “The Quantum World” I read that quarks are magically bursting forth, spinning billions of times a second, forming what are called protons and neutrons. These quarks spin as 3 points of light. 3 points of light as a proton, 3 points of light as a neutron, one point of light as an electron. That means everyone of our atoms are 7 points of light. And we are full of pulsating, oscillating, spinning atoms !!! WE ARE LIGHT ITSELF !!!! Not separate from that place called heaven. Heaven is our bodies, our world, every thought that we think. We can’t get away from heaven no matter what. Creation is constant, which makes evolution an illusion. As holograms in the holodeck of God’s mind, our images just keep on flowing, seeming to become less “solid” with less concentration. And since it is concentration that is forming these images called solidity, then it is concentration that is measured.
    When people measure “solidity” trying to find the “age” of something, they are actually finding how much the concentration that creates the images has dimmed, OR how much those frequencies have lessened in power that create this particular dimension or frequency band. Everything rotates as energy or God’s brain waves, so age is an illusion. WOW. That makes everything everywhere an illusion, but the waves of energy that are left, which never leaves. And people call this love.
    In the Seth books, God is described as beginning as a point of light and then expanding with awareness into a gestalt of energy and consciousness. Then as this God thought/felt/wanted, images were formed. We are some of those images which God let go to create for themselves. But we are not separate because we are always within God’s mind, always trying to be what God is. We use God’s mind to form our bodies, then at what is called death, we let go of these bodies or frequencies that we have created. Then we realize we are again and always have been what a near death experiencer experiences–the total light and love of our father and mother–God.

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