Update on 1/19/19: My memoir, Angels in the OR: What Dying Taught Me About Healing, Survival, and Transformation, can be pre-ordered now. It is a #1 new release in several categories. I would love it if you helped me make near-death experiences more mainstream.
There are many degrees and shades of narcissists. I highly suggest you check out the work of Breakthrough Life Coach Lisa A. Romano and other sources like Psychology Today to better understand narcissists. Narcissists can be introverted, passive aggressive, and display traits we don’t initially associate with narcissism.
It is my belief that many near-death experiencers come back with greater empathy. Most of us are born with sensitivity and love as our inherent nature and near-death experiences simply remind us of this love. Anyone who broadcasts love and innocence can attract souls in great pain who might be narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths. Our journey might simply be to learn to protect ourselves from narcissistic abuse and help others heal from relationships with narcissists and shine their lights. Many narcissists can be handled easily in small doses, but in larger, more intimate relationships or projects they can cause considerable pain.
The Narcissist at Work: If you start a creative project or business with a narcissist, everything will seem spectacular in the beginning. Their exuberance and confidence will give you confidence. They will speak passionately about their efforts, and you might live in their dream world for a while where everything is easy and all effort equals instant, brilliant success. Eventually, you will notice that they don’t like hard work. You find yourself taking care of more of the details, but you tell yourself that they offer inspiration and bring charisma to the project/business/plan. Eventually, you see that their egos are fragile, and you try to hide how much work is needed because you don’t want to lose everything you have worked to create. Conversations become more difficult, and the narcissist fights to hang on to his or her original ideas without considering revision. Chances are good that they will sabotage everything, and you might never get a straight answer about why they gave up. Narcissists will simply move on to another scenario that fulfills their ego to a greater degree, a dream that looks brighter, a path that seems easier, and you will be left falling through empty space.
You will wonder if you did something wrong, but the only thing you did wrong is miss the warning signs that you were dealing with a narcissist. Perhaps, this person despises all authority figures, even the nurturing ones. Perhaps this person brags in a way that is off-putting to some, but you thought this person was simply spunky or confident. Perhaps they always make themselves the hero or the amazing one in their stories and never admit to having a flaw.
There are always warning signs that a narcissist is in the office. An avoidance of hard work is generally the best clue. Narcissists might even brag about how they get out of work yet still believe they should be offered promotions and given awards. If you are starting a business with a narcissist, they may be absent large parts of the time and blame you for the problems. If you are co-authoring a book, they may fail to see that great books are often rewritten eight or nine times, yet they expect to become a millionaire with a first draft full of typos a fifth grader might make. They want to call themselves a great writer/singer/dancer but not put in the hard work to become one.
Whatever the scenario, the narcissist will be full of energy, dreams, and braggadocio in the beginning and will slink away sullenly, secretively, or angrily in the end of your relationship, often blaming you for the pain they caused. You might even believe the situation is your fault, but all you tried to do is do the hard work for yourself and someone else. Beware of narcissists in other areas besides work. You can find them in churches, spiritual gatherings, and political organizations.
The Narcissist in Love: No one is more skillful than the narcissist at promising the world, mirroring your desires back to you, and focusing on you with an intensity that you have rarely if ever encountered in your life. Many women are hungry for deep emotional intimacy, and we can mistake a predatory gaze for intense connection. Narcissists, whether male or female, speak a language primarily made up of phrases like soulmate/twin soul/love of my life and usually say these phrases after a short amount of time. If these types of words don’t turn you on, the narcissist promises anything that will make you feel secure, happy, and safe. They want to bask in your adoration of them.
Narcissists know how to make you feel addicted to them. They take their time in the bedroom, and make you feel treasured. When I think of narcissists, I think of the poem by Sharon Olds “Sex Without Love” and how narcissists know they are never honestly going to connect with another human being. Everything is a great big show. They come to the bedroom like great runners, and “they know they are alone/ with the road surface, the cold, the wind, / the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-/vascular health–just factors, like the partner/ in the bed, and not the truth, which is the single body alone in the universe/ against its own best time.” With a narcissist, you might initially feel like the God or Goddess, the light, the eternal love of the universe with this person because of the effort they put in, but the narcissist is only showing off his or her skills, hoping to get you hooked. Exercise is an apt metaphor for how narcissists function in the bedroom.
After a while, you might realize that the narcissist is unable to truly connect with you because he can’t swim through the sea of millions of bodies he has observed through the lens of pornography to clearly see you. Maybe he is a calloused type, especially if he has a lot of money and is full of his own image. Men in this category might make women work to get their attention and make them feel insecure with little digs. Women who pay a lot of attention to their looks might be critical of their mate and make this person not feel good enough for them. There are many different scenarios for narcissists, but the outcome is the same. Eventually, you will feel that the connection is not genuine or uplifting.
Promises from narcissists evaporate, and you are only left with words. You might fight to make these words turn into the promised reality, but if you are dealing with a narcissist, no such luck. The minute you have doubts, they know that your adoration will be tinged with doubt and this won’t feel good enough for them. Their focus will shift. Often, their focus was never fully on you anyway, though their words proclaimed otherwise. They are masters at triangulation.
The narcissist might make passive aggressive jokes about how he or she would not miss you that much if you broke up. This person is only testing how much you are hurt by that statement to gauge how much to pretend to invest in you. Communication feels more like a sick game than an honest dialogue. Passive aggressive behavior will escalate over time with deliberate procrastination, the silent treatment, and withholding praise.
Work is another interesting factor that plays into this relationship. Narcissists come in many varieties. You might find the dependent narcissist who believes in a ridiculous form of law of attraction that will “someday” make this person wildly successful without any effort on their part. Alternately, you might find someone who is tied to his or her work and sees their job as a reflection of his or her image. Everything will be sacrificed for his or her image.
Narcissists in a relationship, however, are not excited to do the hard work to make a relationship work. They don’t want to learn new communication skills or be forced to a new level of honesty. They will avoid counseling or criticize and demean therapists outside the office. Most likely, they will start building a new dream with someone else instead of working on themselves. When the narcissist leaves, he or she leaves you with a blank space inside. They were never really 100% there in your life. They leave you with the loneliness that they must feel as they walk through this life never being completely real and honest with another human being.
Narcissists as Parents: The obvious type of narcissist, usually a father but sometimes a mother, is the type of parent who is absent. Maybe they are absent due to drugs and alcohol or maybe they are too self-centered to be bothered by the mundane, annoying details of raising a kid. They might be more loving or upbeat than the parent who is around more often. Children might long for a deeper relationship with that parent, but as they get older they usually see that this parent isn’t giving financially or otherwise. This type of parent is charming and good at building you up, but if you ask for the money or assistance they may not be able to deliver reliably. Their own needs and desires will be more important than the needs of dependents.
If this type of narcissist gets sober, these types focus on how much they missed their kids when they were out living the lives they lived. The narcissist will overly focus on his or her accomplishments in sobriety but won’t find the time to heal the harm they caused in their kid’s lives. Often, narcissists are not willing to address their psychological issues. They won’t actively teach their kids about co-dependency and how to break these patterns. They won’t warn their children that alcoholism has a genetic link. They can’t be bothered to have difficult conversations that might benefit others. However, they will brag about their kids and take more credit than they deserve for their accomplishments. Maybe they passed on a few of their good-looking genes. That’s about all they can take credit for when it comes to your accomplishments.
The abusive, narcissistic parent is on a continuum like all narcissists. They might be religious and use a Bible verse to justify spanking their very young kids who don’t understand why they are being hit. Their love might be contaminated by belief systems that tell them it is o.k. to take their stress and anger out on a child. Maybe they are emotionally manipulative and want to prove to the world or their family what a giving, loving, fantastic parent they are while paying very little attention to your actual needs. Maybe they are verbally abusive and fly off the handle in a rage at the smallest of irritations. Maybe they are emotionally abusive and keep their children away from one side of the family out of spite.
Maybe they are more toxic than these examples and physically and sexually harm their children. Whatever the level of abuse, reconciling with an abusive, narcissistic parent is difficult. Maybe you tried to get along with this person for years, only to be thrown off guard by the hateful things they say in conversation. If you go no contact, the narcissistic parent will probably blame you for this when they talk to others. They will blame you for not being a good/respectful son/daughter and for pulling away from them even though they will never honestly care about what you are going through. They will only be concerned with themselves and how your behavior affects them.
Maybe they believe they reached forgiveness with their own abusive parents, but you find it hard to believe since they didn’t transcend the pattern. They can’t be loving or consistently decent to you in conversation, so how could they truly have forgiven their own parents? Whatever the case, the abusive, narcissistic parent leaves children with a wound that is hard to heal. Healing is possible and usually found through breaking patterns and filling one’s life with people who know how to honestly care about you. Healing takes a lot of work which is something narcissists shy away from even as parents. Narcissistic parents will tell you how their life was much harder than yours to prove a certain superiority and avoid acknowledging your pain and their role in that dynamic of pain.
My greatest hope is that empaths might find larger groups of caring people. My hope is that narcissists might heal the wounds that keep them from addressing their problems holistically.
Tricia Barker 
Which is our new Orange One?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ugh…he is an obvious, power hungry narcissist and easily recognizable. That is why so many of us who are familiar with narcissists can’t believe others couldn’t see his personality disorder.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I found this post to be very refreshing. Sometime I do feel that the unconditional love that I give out sometimes does attract those types of relationships and having now have read bluntly the facts it makes it easier to let go of these relationships. Thank you, and I will be keeping up with your next pose.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Evelyn,
I, too, am learning about these topics, but it is my wish that open, honest, caring people find other open, honest, caring people to open their hearts to in friendship and in love. I figure if I write openly, maybe someone can get out of a toxic situation sooner or better yet recognize these types and don’t get involved at all. Nothing is more discouraging than dealing with a narcissist’s immaturity, drama, lies, and manipulations.
LikeLiked by 1 person
When you talk about Narcissists as parents its true! I have witnessed this in so many ways, from watching my uncle choosing to be an alcoholic rather than being a father to watching him realize he can’t change his past, but he can now shape his future with his children.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope your uncle and his kids experience a lot of healing together. I’m glad my article meant something to you.
LikeLike
The part about narcissist at work is so true. After being in the military for sixteen years, I have seen this many times. The hardest thing about this problem in the military is that the person that acts like this is usually a higher rank then you. This leave individuals completely helpless with his or her actions. Great piece, I need to find a way to plaster this in every high-ranking service members work space, lol.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I guess that is much worse when the narcissist is a higher rank/boss. I’ve been very lucky and had some awesome administrators. Thanks for your comment:-)
LikeLike
Great piece. I’ve witnessed almost all of these traits from an uncle I grew up idolizing. When I was younger I used to see him as a rebel going against the grain, but now I realized he’s a self-destructive, alcoholic narcissist pushing everyone away. From the way he’s alienated his family through his alcoholism, to how he blames his ex-wife for their divorce.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I hope your uncle gets sober. That’s the first step but addressing narcissism is even harder for some people to face. There are alcoholics who get sober and that fixes a lot of their problems, but there are many others with personality disorders or other psychological issues who continue to cause a lot of pain in other’s lives. They never fully deal with all the damage they have done and continue to do. Some are so sick that they are somewhat proud of all the pain they’ve caused. This world needs so much healing. I like to believe that everyone can heal, but that kind of healing takes a lot of work and some people aren’t willing to put in the effort. Thanks for your comment. That is wise of you to see the bigger picture now…
LikeLike
This is so accurate. I love how you are speaking to the audience and relating to the audience, which makes the piece so much more interesting. It makes it seem more personal and just so much more relatable. Plus, this was so accurate on every level.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was such a great post, and so very accurate. My wife’s mother has so many of the traits described in the narcissistic parent section. The saddest thing is that my wife really can’t have much of relationship with her mother; She has to keep her distance and set firm boundaries for her own sanity. Thank you for posting this – I really think we all need to exercise much discernment in our relationships as a way of protecting ourselves from unnecessary vulnerability. A book, “From Soul to Soulmate: Bridges from Near-Death Experience Wisdom,” written by Jody Long, has an enlightening chapter about how to recognize those who aren’t yet ready for a genuine, loving relationship. The chapter mentions many of the common personality disorders and how to recognize an encounter with someone who suffers from one; I found it captivating, just like this post 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your post and book recommendation. That sounds like a helpful, interesting read. I am by no means an expert in the area, but I have encountered a few narcissists throughout my life, so I have learned a lot more recently about the topic. To some degree, both of my parents are narcissists, so I understand what your wife goes through. My father has passed on, so he has probably transcended his ego in the afterlife:-) I’m glad you have taken the time to fully understand that dynamic for your wife’s sake especially.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“To some degree, both of my parents are narcissists…” I’m sorry to hear that you have to experience a similar situation. It’s not easy, and I’ll send a prayer your way for both you and your family 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
What an awesome post, Tricia. I really enjoyed reading it.
I love Lisa Romano. I’ve watched many of her YouTube videos and am now on her mailing list.
Another wonderful person I found (before Lisa Romano) on the Internet and YouTube is Shahida Arabi. She’s got an awesome YouTube Channel, Self-Care Haven. I have her book, “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare…” but I am waiting to read it after the Holy-Days as I don’t want to deal with any triggers right now.
Between Shahida and Lisa, I’m learning so much about this subject. Not until listening to Shahida (and Lisa) did I realize I was dealing with the fallout of Narcissistic Abuse from my former superior. It wasn’t until this year (and the recent election campaign season) that I had been having some HUGE TRIGGERS and flipping out. I thought I was going crazy again.
It’s enough trying to live with Complex PTSD as I knew it. Having “unknown” reasons for my recent triggers was scaring the life out of me. All That Is/The Universe/God/Goddess led me to a cult abuse site which eventually led me to Ms. Arabi, then Ms. Romano. When I read your post, it was just another confirmation that I’m on the right track of my healing journey.
Thank you, again.
Blessings, light and love.
P.S. Oh, by-the-way, when I was first on the cult-abuse site, it led me to a book called, “The Empathy Trap” by Dr. Jane McGregor and Tim McGregor. It really helped me understand something they call the Sociopath (Narcissistic)-Empath-Apath Triad. It was a perfect explanation of what occurred with my former superior, myself and the last remaining sister there at the time of my breakdown. (This last sister too would eventually suffer a major breakdown from which she is still recovering. The superior was eventually ex-communicated but long after I reported her.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dawn,
Thanks so much for your insightful post. I have read a few posts from Shahida Arabi, but I will certainly read more of her work over the holidays. There is so much to this topic that I considered not even broaching it. It is hard to write just one post about narcissistic abuse because one post barely scratches the surface. I’m glad the post meant something to you.
It is particularly sad when you see narcissistic abuse in spiritual communities because we have such hope that we might communicate in and commune in a place of love and innocence with others in spiritual communities. I will check out Dr. Jan McGregor’s and Tim McGregor’s book. I have connected with people after writing this post who have privately told me about bosses who were narcissistic. I’ve been very lucky in that department and worked for many amazing administrators who were more like friends and generally uplifting and supportive. I can only imagine how disorienting a relationship with a narcissistic supervisor, superior, or boss could turn out to be. Good for you for reporting your superior! Thanks for your post…
Tricia
LikeLike
So glad I took the time to read this! So much of this is what I’ve experienced in relationships. Now I’m starting into another one where he is already frightening me with some of these traits. It’s so important to know the signs. I feel like I’m treading a landmine and it’s very overwhelming. I’m going to save this in my favorites. Thank you.
https://meinthemiddlewrites.com/
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mary Lou…thank you for your comment. There is so much more to this topic. I only scratched the surface. I hope you might check out Self-Care Haven or Lisa A. Romano if you like YouTube videos. There are many great books on this topic. I’ll be sending you healing thoughts, and I hope you are not involved with a narcissist. They tend to drain our life energy and light. It is much better to not even bother with them unless you have to co-parent, work with them, etc. Lisa has great videos about boundaries no matter your level of involvement with a narcissist.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Tricia! I just checked out both of your recommendations. I can’t believe how confusing it gets until you read something like your post and then you have that ‘Ahah!’ moment. 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad my post was an “Ahah” moment for you. I, too, am learning more about this topic. I realize now that relationships can be challenging, but not as challenging as one with a narcissist. People who are real about their faults and challenges are willing to learn how to communicate better and work on the relationship together. They are generally supportive of you and listen to your feelings without overreacting or trying to control everything.
Narcissists do everything and anything besides work on themselves. They lie, tell you anything they think you want to hear, assure you everything is fabulous when it obviously isn’t…. They deflect, gaslight, and even say things that don’t make a bit of sense simply to make your brain spin. In some cases, they might be vaguely threatening or outright threatening and then apologize for their anger and say their anger was because they “love” you so much. All people should inform the police of any threats or abuse. A police report usually shuts down narcissists who were simply saying crazy things to get the upper hand, and everyone should always walk away from abusers.
All narcissists are definitely on a spectrum…some are far less harmful and can even be great in small doses as long as you never disagree with their ideas or actions. Some of the narcissists know this about themselves. They look for people who will agree with them about everything in order to keep the peace. Other types of narcissists can be far more troubling cases….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yup! The red flags are there with this one. I’m so grateful for the tools you’ve given me. Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really loved this post. It resonated with me because of a quite recent experience I had and you managed to sum up all there is to know about narcissists and how tricky such situations can get for us empaths. Thank you 🙂
LikeLike
Pingback: What I’ve Learned from One Year of Blogging | Tricia Barker
Pingback: Authentic Living and Healing Intentions | Tricia Barker
Tricia, you might want to check out Loving the Self-Absorbed, Working with the Self-Absorbed, and Children of the Self-Absorbed, all three by Nina Brown. Brown teaches counseling at Old Dominion. Her books could only have come from someone who has felt the destructive effects of narcissism up close and personal.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Jim….thanks for the book title. I haven’t heard of this author or her work. I have a long list of books to read, but this one sounds promising. Thank you so much:-)
LikeLike