Eros: Happy Valentine’s Day 2018

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Today is a holiday for Eros, for romantic love, and I don’t talk about that subject very often.  It is probably a topic I could have a lot of fun with because I have seen it go awry in humorous ways, tragic ways, and ridiculous ways in my life and in other’s lives.  In other words, I have some stories to tell.

It cracks me up how people idealize one another, and it breaks my heart to see other people’s hearts break.  On Valentine’s Day, I want to offer inspiration about romance, especially to those who are immediate, warm, and not completely logical about their affections and affairs.

Everything in our modern world is built for speed and convenience, but it isn’t convenient or speedy to get to know another person deeply.  Whatever speed you roll, consider slowing it down as far as possible and deeply listening and talking with someone before getting involved.  Maybe this idea doesn’t seem as sexy as love at first sight, but talking deeply is part of building a strong foundation.

A Little More Conversation:  A little over a year after my NDE, I met a couple at church who seemed unbelievably in love, and I asked them their secret.  A light glowed around the two of them, and if I had ever seen two people who were soulmates, I felt certain these two were it.  I asked them if they thought they were soulmates, and they smiled and said people often asked them this question.  They told me that they had waited a long while before ever kissing or becoming intimate.  They knew from the first meeting that they were attracted to each other, but they both had wounds from their past and unresolved issues from childhood and didn’t feel ready for a relationship.

They made a vow to talk for an entire year before kissing, and they managed to do this by sitting and sleeping on separate couches—all the while, never touching.  Let me emphasis that point. My twenty-three-year-old brain thought that I would probably have to do most of that talking on the phone.  I doubted my own resolve.  For instance, if I don’t want to eat cookies, then I don’t keep them in my house.  Because if cookies are in my house, I am probably going to eat those cookies.

This couple, however, talked late into the night and deeply listened to one another.  Much of what counselors get paid to do is to deeply listen, so I can imagine that listening brought them both peace and healing.  She said that she knew almost every one of his childhood wounds, romantic wounds, his wishes, his dreams, and desires by the end of that year.  He also understood her fears, wounds, desires, and hopes. Of course, I asked if it was difficult not to kiss, and they both laughed, saying they also heard that question a lot.

She said that they felt completely one before they ever kissed, often dreaming of each other and feeling each other’s presence long before the consummation of those desires.  I thought about how even at an early age, many of us have many wounds.  Most people don’t take the time to get to know one another deeply before becoming intimate.  Intimacy opens many wounds, and then people end up getting triggered and terrified when all they needed was more understanding and compassion.

Twin flame/Soulmates:  In my recent interview with the lovely Tara Rose, I couldn’t hide my cynicism about the twin flame phenomenon that populates countless blog posts and YouTube videos.  I think people too often simply don’t know one another like this couple knew each other, and then they feel a powerful rush, pull, soul connection, and intensity.  However, if they haven’t dealt with their wounds, they might be nearly crippled by some of these wounds and run from each other.  Though powerful feelings can show us the outer edges of how we are able to love and how we are not able to love, maybe it is important not to attach a label to anyone or any experience and to be open to a better, soulful experience with someone else later in our lives.

Those of us who have seen a lot of life, can see patterns.  There are people you might encounter who mirror deep parts of yourself, and you will feel extreme levels of passion. However, sometimes this isn’t healthy because the feelings aren’t grounded and partly exist in the realm of fantasy.  There are other connections that grow a little slower and have a slower burning fuse.  Maybe you complement each other and function beautifully together.  When you are very, very lucky, you might get high levels of passion upfront and long-term compatibility.  Maybe you are also at a place in life where you know how to communicate calmly, honestly, and directly.  Maybe you can weather the storms of life with grace.  And maybe, you can simply see the whole thing with some detachment.

There are no guarantees, of course.  Maybe that couple I met years ago is divorced now.  In my fantasy, they aren’t divorced.  But, even if they are, I know they gave themselves a great start.  They did the best they could for their hearts at the time, and that is what I wish for you.  Do the best that you can for your hearts.

I give this advice with love and with hope for you, especially those who are young and dreaming of an amazing relationship. I hope you find it.  However, take loving care of yourself.  Love yourself first. Get to know someone as deeply as possible before becoming intimate. Don’t manipulate to “get” the love you think you need.  That will never work. You have an endless supply of love from the divine, and if you choose to love another, stand in your own flow of love.  Give love.  Let the experience make you more whole, even if it rips part of you a part if it must.  Know that you are o.k.  You are fine.  You are loved.  No matter what.  You are loved.  You are not alone.  You are loved.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2017: Wanting For Nothing Else Other Than This Moment

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God’s Love:  Ask a near-death experiencer about love, and we are liable to talk about the best love of our lives which is God–the divine all-encompassing light, the filler of all empty spaces and sadness.  God is the true love who finally made me want for nothing else, the one who gave me undivided attention, care, concern, and compassion.

The presence of God during my near-death experience washed away all feelings of insecurity and of not being good enough.  There were no flaws or negative thoughts in the presence of God.  There was only I AM LIGHT & LOVE.

I was a part of God and God was a part of me.  God was also inside everyone else, so I felt a part of everyone too.  This divine intelligence was a love much better than the best romance.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good love story, especially ones like Wings of Desire, Bridges of Madison County, Before Sunrise, Amélie, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Silver Linings Playbook, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Annie Hall, and even The Notebook, but these stories always contain struggle and yearning.  In the presence of God, all yearning is filled with love.  There is no wish for anything because everything is complete and every desire sated.

Earthy Love:  Perhaps as spirits we choose form in order to celebrate the moment when our own spark of God is ignited again and we remember that connection.  Sometimes, we see a spark of God in another, but the real challenge might be to learn to see the spark of God in ourselves and in every moment of our lives.

Maybe we have to ask ourselves if we can we hang on to the beloved even when the spark isn’t visible and wait for it to ignite again?  Can we love someone through their own darkness until they find the light?  When do we need to love ourselves more than the desire for a relationship and separate from someone?  Abuse is a sure sign that a relationship is over.  Let that sink into everyone’s head and stay there permanently.

Chronic cheaters are also not a great gamble, but there are the random stories of reformed wild men and women.  And, oddly, some people I’ve met feel comfortable in open relationships; there are many ways to love and be with someone.  If abuse is not in the picture, consider what you both can do differently to have the love that you both desire.  Even small changes can make life more enjoyable.

If you have no pressing questions about your romantic life, don’t stress and enjoy the now. We are not promised forever.  Love your loved ones deeply.

Divine Purpose:  If you are at a true crossroads in a relationship, ask yourself what your divine purpose is.  Then ask yourself if the person in your life helps you fulfill your divine purpose.  Do they support your goals?  Do you learn how to love more because this person is in your life?  Do you learn how to communicate differently and understand how someone else thinks?  Do you give each other peace?  Are you becoming a better person because this person is in your life?

Most of all, no matter your romantic status,  love yourself immensely.  Imagine the love of God  is with you at all times because it is.  When you love yourself this way, space opens inside you to love others better and with a more open, joyous heart.

Occasionally, I get questions on my YouTube channel from people who feel despondent about the lack of love in their lives.  I don’t have many answers for these viewers, but I can say that the more peace and love I feel within myself, the better my relationships have become.  

As Langston Hughes said in the ending of the poem, “Life is Fine”, it is important to remember that life is indeed fine, grand, and wonderful in all of its seasons and expressions. Romantic love is only one part of the expression of love and definitely not something to make you want to die when you were so clearly born to live.

....I could’ve died for love—
But for livin’ I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry—
I’ll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

     Life is fine!      Fine as wine!      Life is fine!

Your primary and most important relationship is with yourself.    Think kind thoughts about yourself and others, and love will be who you are not something you are searching for in another.   

What I think is the best part of being back in form is the attempt to love others in small and large ways as God loves us.  We fail, but when we try there is nothing better that we can do for this world.

morjanilove