Reflections

Three Simple Steps for Bringing Your Gifts into the World

/ Tricia Barker, Author of Angels in the OR / 1 Comment

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Step One:  Rest

I often tell my Creative Writing students that they should be well-rested in order to be their most creative.  Certainly, we can all preform under pressure when we are highly caffeinated, sleep deprived, and tense.  Stressed out states of being, however, do not allow for the miracles of divinely inspired communication to flow through us effortlessly.  Meditation and connecting with the love that is available for each of us is a much better way to open to great ideas.  In peaceful states of being, we might receive messages from higher states of consciousness and our creativity might be more inspired.  If you have ever noticed how some of your greatest ideas show up just before you fall asleep, you can understand that when the worried mind lets go of its grip on us, the great, inspired thoughts begin to flow through us.  Problems naturally work themselves out.

Keep a journal and pen on your nightstand and return to these ideas later in the day.  The ideas in your dreams or just before you fall asleep might become poems, stories, novels or a simple answer to a question.   Be receptive and open to great ideas, and more of these ideas will be sent your way.

Step Two:  Play

Go where your joy resides.  Adults do not enjoy life as much as children because we often forget how to play.  Play can mean many different things to different people.  Most of the time, exercise and time in nature can put us in a positive state of mind.  However, if you have a problem to work out, try addressing this problem from many different directions.  Don’t censor wild ideas, and try following unexpected thoughts to see where they lead you.

During graduate school, I worked full time teaching seniors in high school.  The long hours at work didn’t leave me much time to be creative on one of my twenty-page essays.  Mid-way through a particular essay, I decided that I needed to have more fun with the research and wrote something that entertained me.  I stopped thinking about writing for my professor and followed my own joy.  This turned out to be one of my better essays.  Even if playing around doesn’t lead to a great product, it is important to notice what ideas and activities bring more joy into our lives.

Step Three:  Plan

If you are an organized, detail oriented person, this should not be a difficult step for you.  Write out a one-year, three-year, and five-year plan for a certain goal.  Simply writing down a plan increases the odds of accomplishing this goal.  If you have a book idea, write an outline.  Even if you amend the outline and completely change the book later, a plan can still be an important step and a great step during the revision stages.

If you are not a detail oriented person, take a deep breath and do what you can each day toward your goal.  Imagine the repressed side of yourself taking control and dealing with the details.  Make the details more interesting or fun in some way.  Offer yourself a reward for accomplishing things you usually put off for later.  Ask your angels for help and call on God to help you.  There is no need to stress over the details.  Jump in and enjoy the journey.  The sooner you jump in and work on the things you are putting off, the quicker you will realize that the process isn’t as difficult as you imagined it to be.

Good luck!  May your best dreams make it into the world soon.

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Narcissists at Work, in Love, and as Parents:  How Empaths Fail to Recognize Them

/ Tricia Barker, Author of Angels in the OR / 26 Comments

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Update on 1/19/19:  My memoir, Angels in the OR: What Dying Taught Me About Healing, Survival, and Transformation, can be pre-ordered now. It is a #1 new release in several categories.  I would love it if you helped me make near-death experiences more mainstream.

There are many degrees and shades of narcissists.  I highly suggest you check out the work of Breakthrough Life Coach Lisa A. Romano and other sources like Psychology Today to better understand narcissists.  Narcissists can be introverted, passive aggressive, and display traits we don’t initially associate with narcissism.

It is my belief that many near-death experiencers come back with greater empathy.  Most of us are born with sensitivity and love as our inherent nature and near-death experiences simply remind us of this love. Anyone who broadcasts love and innocence can attract souls in great pain who might be narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths.   Our journey might simply be to learn to protect ourselves from narcissistic abuse and help others heal from relationships with narcissists and shine their lights.  Many narcissists can be handled easily in small doses, but in larger, more intimate relationships or projects they can cause considerable pain.

The Narcissist at Work:  If  you start a creative project or business with a narcissist, everything will seem spectacular in the beginning.  Their exuberance and confidence will give you confidence. They will speak passionately about their efforts, and you might live in their dream world for a while where everything is easy and all effort equals instant, brilliant success.  Eventually, you will notice that they don’t like hard work.  You find yourself taking care of more of the details, but you tell yourself that they offer inspiration and bring charisma to the project/business/plan.  Eventually, you see that their egos are fragile, and you try to hide how much work is needed because you don’t want to lose everything you have worked to create. Conversations become more difficult, and the narcissist fights to hang on to his or her original ideas without considering revision.  Chances are good that they will sabotage everything, and you might never get a straight answer about why they gave up.  Narcissists will simply move on to another scenario that fulfills their ego to a greater degree, a dream that looks brighter, a path that seems easier, and you will be left falling through empty space.

You will wonder if you did something wrong, but the only thing you did wrong is miss the warning signs that you were dealing with a narcissist.  Perhaps, this person despises all authority figures, even the nurturing ones.  Perhaps this person brags in a way that is off-putting to some, but you thought this person was simply spunky or confident. Perhaps they always make themselves the hero or the amazing one in their stories and never admit to having a flaw.

There are always warning signs that a narcissist is in the office.  An avoidance of hard work is generally the best clue. Narcissists might even brag about how they get out of work yet still believe they should be offered promotions and given awards.  If you are starting a business with a narcissist, they may be absent large parts of the time and blame you for the problems. If you are co-authoring a book, they may fail to see that great books are often rewritten eight or nine times, yet they expect to become a millionaire with a first draft full of typos a fifth grader might make.  They want to call themselves a great writer/singer/dancer but not put in the hard work to become one.

Whatever the scenario, the narcissist will be full of energy, dreams, and braggadocio in the beginning and will slink away sullenly, secretively, or angrily in the end of your relationship, often blaming you for the pain they caused. You might even believe the situation is your fault, but all you tried to do is do the hard work for yourself and someone else.  Beware of narcissists in other areas besides work. You can find them in churches, spiritual gatherings, and political organizations.

The Narcissist in Love: No one is more skillful than the narcissist at promising the world, mirroring your desires back to you, and focusing on you with an intensity that you have rarely if ever encountered in your life. Many women are hungry for deep emotional intimacy, and we can mistake a predatory gaze for intense connection.  Narcissists, whether male or female, speak a language primarily made up of phrases like soulmate/twin soul/love of my life and usually say these phrases after a short amount of time. If these types of words don’t turn you on, the narcissist promises anything that will make you feel secure, happy, and safe. They want to bask in your adoration of them.

Narcissists know how to make you feel addicted to them. They take their time in the bedroom, and make you feel treasured. When I think of narcissists, I think of the poem by Sharon Olds “Sex Without Love” and how narcissists know they are never honestly going to connect with another human being. Everything is a great big show. They come to the bedroom like great runners, and “they know they are alone/ with the road surface, the cold, the wind, / the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-/vascular health–just factors, like the partner/ in the bed, and not the truth, which is the single body alone in the universe/ against its own best time.” With a narcissist, you might initially feel like the God or Goddess, the light, the eternal love of the universe with this person because of the effort they put in, but the narcissist is only showing off his or her skills, hoping to get you hooked. Exercise is an apt metaphor for how narcissists function in the bedroom.

After a while, you might realize that the narcissist is unable to truly connect with you because he can’t swim through the sea of millions of bodies he has observed through the lens of pornography to clearly see you.  Maybe he is a calloused type, especially if he has a lot of money and is full of his own image. Men in this category might make women work to get their attention and make them feel insecure with little digs. Women who pay a lot of attention to their looks might be critical of their mate and make this person not feel good enough for them. There are many different scenarios for narcissists, but the outcome is the same. Eventually, you will feel that the connection is not genuine or uplifting.

Promises from narcissists evaporate, and you are only left with words. You might fight to make these words turn into the promised reality, but if you are dealing with a narcissist, no such luck. The minute you have doubts, they know that your adoration will be tinged with doubt and this won’t feel good enough for them.  Their focus will shift. Often, their focus was never fully on you anyway, though their words proclaimed otherwise.  They are masters at triangulation.

The narcissist might make passive aggressive jokes about how he or she would not miss you that much if you broke up. This person is only testing how much you are hurt by that statement to gauge how much to pretend to invest in you. Communication feels more like a sick game than an honest dialogue.  Passive aggressive behavior will escalate over time with deliberate procrastination, the silent treatment, and withholding praise.

Work is another interesting factor that plays into this relationship.  Narcissists come in many varieties.  You might find the dependent narcissist who believes in a ridiculous form of law of attraction that will “someday” make this person wildly successful without any effort on their part.  Alternately, you might find someone who is tied to his or her work and sees their job as a reflection of his or her image.  Everything will be sacrificed for his or her image.

Narcissists in a relationship, however, are not excited to do the hard work to make a relationship work. They don’t want to learn new communication skills or be forced to a new level of honesty.  They will avoid counseling or criticize and demean therapists outside the office.  Most likely, they will start building a new dream with someone else instead of working on themselves.  When the narcissist leaves, he or she leaves you with a blank space inside. They were never really 100% there in your life. They leave you with the loneliness that they must feel as they walk through this life never being completely real and honest with another human being.

Narcissists as Parents:  The obvious type of narcissist, usually a father but sometimes a mother, is the type of parent who is absent. Maybe they are absent due to drugs and alcohol or maybe they are too self-centered to be bothered by the mundane, annoying details of raising a kid. They might be more loving or upbeat than the parent who is around more often. Children might long for a deeper relationship with that parent, but as they get older they usually see that this parent isn’t giving financially or otherwise. This type of parent is charming and good at building you up, but if you ask for the money or assistance they may not be able to deliver reliably. Their own needs and desires will be more important than the needs of dependents.

If this type of narcissist gets sober, these types focus on how much they missed their kids when they were out living the lives they lived. The narcissist will overly focus on his or her accomplishments in sobriety but won’t find the time to heal the harm they caused in their kid’s lives. Often, narcissists are not willing to address their psychological issues. They won’t actively  teach their kids about co-dependency and how to break these patterns. They won’t warn their children that alcoholism has a genetic link. They can’t be bothered to have difficult conversations that might benefit others.  However, they will brag about their kids and take more credit than they deserve for their accomplishments. Maybe they passed on a few of their good-looking genes. That’s about all they can take credit for when it comes to your accomplishments.

The abusive, narcissistic parent is on a continuum like all narcissists. They might be religious and use a Bible verse to justify spanking their very young kids who don’t understand why they are being hit. Their love might be contaminated by belief systems that tell them it is o.k. to take their stress and anger out on a child. Maybe they are emotionally manipulative and want to prove to the world or their family what a giving, loving, fantastic parent they are while paying very little attention to your actual needs. Maybe they are verbally abusive and fly off the handle in a rage at the smallest of irritations.  Maybe they are emotionally abusive and keep their children away from one side of the family out of spite.

Maybe they are more toxic than these examples and physically and sexually harm their children. Whatever the level of abuse, reconciling with an abusive, narcissistic parent is difficult. Maybe you tried to get along with this person for years, only to be thrown off guard by the hateful things they say in conversation. If you go no contact, the narcissistic parent will probably blame you for this when they talk to others. They will blame you for not being a good/respectful son/daughter and for pulling away from them even though they will never honestly care about what you are going through. They will only be concerned with themselves and how your behavior affects them.

Maybe they believe they reached forgiveness with their own abusive parents, but you find it hard to believe since they didn’t transcend the pattern. They can’t be loving or consistently decent to you in conversation, so how could they truly have forgiven their own parents? Whatever the case, the abusive, narcissistic parent leaves children with a wound that is hard to heal. Healing is possible and usually found through breaking patterns and filling one’s life with people who know how to honestly care about you. Healing takes a lot of work which is something narcissists shy away from even as parents.  Narcissistic parents will tell you how their life was much harder than yours to prove a certain superiority and avoid acknowledging your pain and their role in that dynamic of pain.

My greatest hope is that empaths might find larger groups of caring people.  My hope is that narcissists might heal the wounds that keep them from addressing their problems holistically.

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Published Poetry: A Post Mostly for My Students

/ Tricia Barker, Author of Angels in the OR / 13 Comments

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(Update 8/1/2019) My memoir, Angels in the OR: What Dying Taught Me About Healing, Survival, and Transformation, is available as a paperback, e-book and as an Audible.  It launched as a #1 new release in several categories including educator memoirs, survivor memoirs, and near-death experiences.  I hope my book helps make near-death experiences more mainstream.

Poetry, however, was my first love and focus in graduate school. My Creative Writing students sometimes ask to see my published poetry, and I usually wait until the end of the semester to show them any of my work.

I only sent out my poetry between the years of 2006-2008.  Here are a few of those poems.  These poems aren’t representative of some of my larger themes in my writing, but they are the ones that were chosen for publication.

COCKROACH BESIDE MY TOOTHBRUSH

There is meekness in the bow of your head

beneath your curved back,

but even humility and sensitivity

will not save you now.

Do you remember when you

raised your folded wings at right angles

from your abdomen, showing off

the white edgings of your thorax and wing pads?

You trembled for the mate you wanted,

and she looked back at you

as if the moon glowed from inside you.

You believed passion could last forever,

denying that all we have are flashes.

 

Still, you never imagined this ending—

an abandoned condo by a pond,

shadows extending like frail, human arms,

no food or even cereal crumbs in the kitchen,

and only my mint-flavored, disappointing toothbrush

hanging precariously near the edge of the sink.

 

How could you know that surveys

list you as the most despised creature on earth?

How could you possibly deduce

that the angry fall of a boot

he left behind would become

your last moment on earth?

@ 2002 by Tricia Barker

Published in Paterson Literary Review in 2008

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THE MAGIC OF CROWS

As the city lights begin to salt the hilltops,

a woman becomes restless; her head is full of the wit

of crows, and her fate is tangled in the act of finding

one of their feathers by her doorstep.  The feather feels light

in her hands, and she wonders which direction it might blow.

From her kitchen window, she observes how the crows

look like pieces of a ragged night scattered

across the final moments of the day.

 

They are the antithesis of stars, with a mystical sheen

of their own and wholly delighted to be crows as they

squawk into each other’s faces, slowly lift one foot into the air,

or dunk their ruffled heads into the dog’s bucket of water.

The woman wonders why her soup does not taste better,

why her skin does not greedily soak up the air around her,

and why these final days of summer do not burst

with the bruised pleasure of black lights, drumbeats,

and a new lover, smelling slightly of tobacco and amber,

a lover who might dip a small, velvety sumi brush

in honey, paint it on her body and then gently lick

it off while black wings flutter in the corner of her eye,

the shimmering, happy bodies of crows.

@ 2006 by Tricia Barker

Published in The Midwest Quarterly (Pittsburgh State University) in 2009

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NARCISSUS IN A RELATIONSHIP

When Narcissus left for work,

I would put on the sandals he wore

to feel closer to him.  My feet would soak up the remnants of the love

he had for his feet, his body,

and after a while, I realized

that in his mind

I was less important

than the ground he walked on.

@ 2006 by Tricia Barker

Published in Iodine Poetry Journal in 2008

The theme in this last poem is an important one for empaths.  Recently, I have discovered the work of breakthrough life coach Lisa A. Romano.  Empaths are often drawn to narcissists in many different capacities.  They can also be the target of sociopaths, so it is important for empaths to learn to protect themselves.  If you are interested in this topic, I highly suggest checking out some of Lisa A. Romano’s YouTube videos.

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Images:  The painting of the pond can be found at this link.   I found the beautiful crows on Pinterest at this link.

My Heart Has Been with Standing Rock

/ Tricia Barker, Author of Angels in the OR / 8 Comments

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A few years after my NDE, I traveled through Virginia teaching SAT skills at various boarding schools.  One weekend I stopped to meditate in a beautiful forest and felt the presence of a Native American spirit come to me and telepathically communicate, “Do not forget us.”  I promised him that I would never forget him or his people.

In every American Literature class, I teach the works of Black Elk, Zitkala-sa, and Sherman Alexie.  This doesn’t feel like enough, but it is something.  Watching films about Wounded Knee is a chilling reminder of truth.  I don’t avoid the truth.

Mid-summer I felt the stirrings of something that would be happening involving Native Americans in the U.S.  When I heard about Standing Rock, I wanted to go there and do what I could to help.  I longed to join with those working to protect our waterways, our sacred lands, our Mother Earth.  I knew there would be police brutality. I knew there would be the same hatred directed at Native Americans historically.  I didn’t choose to leave everything to go there, but my heart was with those at Standing Rock.

I feared history might repeat itself at Standing Rock.  As NPR put it succinctly, we have never seen anything like this before and it has been happening for hundreds of years. Both statements are true, and the thought that the pipeline might not be diverted was a difficult possibility to accept. At times, I felt angry and afraid that I might never live to see a world where Mother Earth is not degraded and soiled for the almighty dollar.  When the veterans showed up to help protect the protesters, I felt encouraged.

For anyone not aware of this situation, please do research.  The media did a horrible job by not covering this historic struggle.  Feathers, not guns, were held to the sky, and these protesters were hit with rubber bullets, freezing water, and tear gas.  They were strip searched and beaten up, but by God and Goddess they stood in the freezing weather for this cause.  Songs and chants were given to heavens, and they were met with hatred.

Last night, I felt the pain of those at Standing Rock, and I thought about books like The Lies my History Teacher Told Me.  I thought about how Native Americans have been the most lied-about subset of our population. I thought about how protecting the waterways is such a simple wish.

We learn who we are from the land, and if we desecrate it and destroy Mother Earth…than we become the destroyers of our own possible heaven on earth.

Authentic Leadership and The Divine Feminine

/ Tricia Barker, Author of Angels in the OR / 4 Comments

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On Being Authentic: Thank goodness for spiritual leaders like Marianne Williamson.  Her honesty about her daily struggles, her political beliefs, and her life is encouraging.  She doesn’t claim to be a fully enlightened being.  She simply shares her truth, and this makes her a highly effective leader.  Though people with “all the answers” might be comforting for a little while, they are eventually dis-empowering.  To me, something seems off when spiritual leaders cast everything in a positive light and do not share their personal struggles or their honest opinions.

Some spiritual teachers might want to draw in the biggest crowd, so they do not implicitly state where they stand and offer encouragement after the election results to help us on our journeys.  Though encouragement and empowerment is awesome, I find this stance a little “tricky” or “sneaky.”  I prefer a blatant honesty about one’s journey.  From the beginning, I have known that my expressions will offend some people, speak to others, and mean a great deal to others, but the more authentic I am, the more there is a chance for someone to recognize me as a voice that resonates with their own voice or offers a new perspective.  In a short while, I’ve tasted the hatred that some men have for women who differ politically or spiritually from their own beliefs, but I’ve also heard from many kind men and women who understand my journey.  I teach tolerance for various viewpoints in the classroom, and this type of tolerance is desperately needed,

Divine Feminine:  I think of Marianne Williamson as the priestess archetype of the Divine Feminine, an archetype that is the least understood in our patriarchal culture which all too often subjugates women’s spirituality or recasts natural/mystical practices as “evil.”  Recently, I pulled A Woman’s Worth off my bookshelf and remembered reading it as a young woman in my twenties.  I thought I would be a lot farther along the path by now.

Several quotes from A Woman’s Worth stood out to me because all too often in my professional and personal life I’ve observed both men and women weigh in heavily and negatively about women as leaders.  For every priest archetype, there is a priestess counterpart.  For every warrior, there is a warrioress counterpart.  And God, that beautiful, all-loving force, that creative center of life is also found in the Goddess.  Our language and history may favor the masculine versions of these archetypes, but the divine feminine is real, valid, and beautiful.  These energies are found in both men and women, so it is to all of our benefits to recognize the Divine Feminine.

Women’s Voices:  The idea of women’s voices mattering as much as men’s voices is of great importance to me, not only for myself but for the thousands of women I have known as a teacher and professor.  I have read their inner-most thoughts, their research, and their responses to life and literature.  Their voices deserve equal space in society.   Williamson’s quote about female power still rings true more than twenty years after its publication date.

“Female power transcends what are known politically as women’s issues.  Female power has to do with women taking an active part in the conversation—whether in the public arena or at the dinner table—and having the same emotional space in which to do so as men.  It means women not having to fear punishment of any kind.  It means women not having to worry that we’ll be considered unfeminine if we speak up.  It means women really coming out to play and getting support for our playing—from men as well as from women….We will not be free until we can speak our minds and our hearts without having to worry that men will crucify us, women will crucify us, the press will crucify us, or our children will be ashamed.” —A Woman Worth

Going forward, may we all pay closer attention to women’s voices and give these voices the same reverence, the same excuses, and the same grace we grant men.  Instead of calling a woman an “angry feminist,” try calling her a passionate voice advocating for basic, decent respect for all people regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, political beliefs, or religious beliefs.

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Brief Review of Life-Changing Foods by Anthony William

/ Tricia Barker, Author of Angels in the OR / 4 Comments

My memoir, Angels in the OR: What Dying Taught Me About Healing, Survival, and Transformation, is available for pre-order.  It is a #1 new release in several categories.  I would love your support of a pre-order.  My aim is to help make near-death experiences more mainstream.

Anthony William’s new book Life-Changing Foods: Save Yourself and the Ones You Love with the Hidden Healing Powers of Fruits & Vegetables is a fantastic book, and I highly recommend it.  My favorite section gives in-depth analysis of many different fruits, vegetables, wild foods, herbs, and spices.  Each food or herb profiled is given an overview of its benefits, as well as an analysis of the specific conditions and symptoms that might be addressed by eating more of this food.  Additionally, the emotional support each food provides as well as its spiritual lesson of that food is included.  The many healthy recipes will certainly inspire readers to incorporate more of each food in specific, healing ways.

Food as our Healer:  Years ago, I purchased The Crystal Bible by Judy Hall, and enjoyed researching the benefits and blessings of crystals.  Though crystals are powerful, beautiful, and healing, how much more important are the physical, emotional, and spiritual qualities of the food we ingest each day?  After my NDE, I have been deeply enthralled by the senses and food.  Though the spirit world is a lovely place to exist, I can’t help but be grateful for the opportunity to enjoy the senses while living in this body.  Food can be a joyful experience but also a powerful form of healing.

I am immensely grateful for William’s comprehensive look at the healing properties of food.  He beautifully explains the significance of the growth of plants and what qualities and gifts they bring to us because of the way they grow.  Personally, this book helped me connect many ideas that have floated in and out of my consciousness.  For example, I have often thought that if one apple “keeps the doctor away,” then perhaps we need more apples in our diet when we are not well.  According to this book, we should eat more than one apple when possible.  I’ve also thought about soil, rain, and sun quality in our increasingly polluted world, and William addresses this problem early in Life-Changing Foods.

Unexpected Solutions:  Many of the solutions and revelations in this book are not expected and are certainly ones I never imagined.  For instance, did you ever imagine that berries could reverse stains on the brain such as lesions, gray areas, calcification, or heavy metal deposits?  Did you ever consider that cherries might be a liver tonic or think that cranberries might help you better deal with criticism and rejection?  A cranberry dish (with honey and not sugar) might be a necessary food at some family dinner tables over the holidays.

Did you ever think a mango might help you sleep better or that artichokes should be listed in the top ten of superfoods?  We all want to stay young or look younger, and who would have guessed that asparagus is one of the foods that might be a fountain of youth food?  Some foods even live up to their sayings.  For example, “cool as cucumber” is an appropriate thing to say as cucumbers might help with anger issues.  I knew the basic benefits of many herbs, but now I am curious to see if licorice root (not in an alcohol based tincture) might be a great support for Hashimotos.

William also asserts that cruciferous foods like kale, cabbage, cauliflower, and brussel sprouts are wrongfully accused of harming the thyroid and causing goiters.  He assures readers that these foods help the thyroid.  Other foods that get a bad rap include potatoes, both sweet and regular, though he suggests not using dairy toppings or frying them. Many humble foods like pears are given the praise they deserve.  Whatever your symptoms might be, you are certain to find a food in this book which might help with your healing journey.

I cannot recommend this book enough.  I enjoyed his first book, Medical Medium, and posted a review earlier, but this latest book inspired me to look at my food with even more love, reverence, and honor.  Feeling more closely connected to Mother Earth is an important reminder for all of us, especially during trying times.

The holidays are often a time of overindulgence, but what better time to start focusing on health. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to have a banana and berry coconut “milkshake” tomorrow and lots of greens, papayas, onions, celery, and cucumbers throughout the day.  May we all glow with greater health throughout the holidays!

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Here is a receipe for berries and cream that you might want to try one morning.

 

Forgive * Love * Heal

/ Tricia Barker, Author of Angels in the OR / 3 Comments

leaf

Update on 1/19/19:  My memoir, Angels in the OR: What Dying Taught Me About Healing, Survival, and Transformation, can be pre-ordered now. It is a #1 new release in several categories.  I would love it if you helped me make near-death experiences more mainstream.

Forgive — Love — Heal

I’m reading Dr. Rajiv Parti’s book Dying to Wake Up, and when he begins to actively heal any remaining depression, fear, addiction, or pain in his life he is given the words forgive, love, and heal.  Like Dr. Parti, I decided to write a short response to each of these words myself.  You might try this yourself as a healing writing exercise to release any negative energy and return to balance.  Dr. Parti describes negative pent up energy as “black balloons” inside the body that need to be deflated and released to attain greater health.

Forgive

Forgiveness is a letting go—all the fire, the flesh, the material angst, the passion, the wronged beating heart, and the gritted jaw are released.   Breath returns like a fall leaf gracefully descending to earth.  In spirit form, there is nothing to forgive—the chains of the flesh are shaken off, so why not forgive what is soon to be forgotten?  Why not stream away from those wounds now?  Do this for yourself—not for another.  The other might be far down a tunnel of life in his or her own dimension of space and time.  Bless that person if you can, but definitely love yourself for breaking free of…

…the anger that makes your hands shake, rage that makes you dream of saying the worst possible words or worse…

Bless yourself for becoming stronger with each disappointment, each wounding of your innocence.  Bless yourself in every moment of your suffering, but most of all board an express jet on an international flight far away from pain.  When you leave, know that you will indeed find a geographical cure except it will be a spiritual one.  And in that new, spacious place you will stare into the expanse hopefully.  When you arrive there full of possibility…

…Stay balanced.  Stay clean.  Stay pure of heart and filled with love all the live long days of your lovely life.

Love

It is acceptable to send love to the one in darkness—the one lost in the mired, toxic soup of ego, judgement, and pain.  It is suggested that you lay down your swords of delusion and embrace a garden of flowers, grounding yourself by standing in the bright green earth wet with dew.  It is permissible to love the unlovable, even if only for a moment.

It is a great idea to love the lost boys and girls you may never meet.  They are wandering the world like broken flags, like weeping doves, like cigarette butts left behind as a clue.

It is allowable to love yourself as you are—unloved or loved by many and known by only a few.  It is fine to breathe just as you are—a child still though grown into a woman or man’s body.  Love the many steps that got you here, and the ones that will carry you onward brightening the path for others.

Heal

You will see something shimmering like morning breaking through dark curtains.  You will throw open the curtains and feel intimately drawn to the sunlight rising over the forest-dense mountains in the distance.  Coffee will not be necessary because your heart will jump quantum leaps into delight and health, ready to meet the day.

That child who you once were—returned.

That dream that you once chased & lost—found.

That hope that withered in the heat—blossoms again.

A few more reflections:  Forgiveness is an immediate trip and vacation away from all that causes pain.  When in spirit form during my NDE, forgiveness happened instantly as there was no more attachment to the form and familiar thought patterns.  Back in form, forgiveness is something I had to continue to practice, especially as I encountered shocking, new wounds. Forgiveness is something we all must continue to practice.  I think of those who are quick at forgiveness like ballroom dancers.  They quick step and glide with a practiced grace into a new, upbeat life.

In the afterlife, love is an experience, a birthright, an all-consuming peace.  In form, love is something we must remember and practice as well.  Like a great musician, when we learn to play love in every situation our world expands and grows more light-filled.

Healing is a topic that is precious to me and the subject of my memoir in progress.  There is healing to be found through access to the divine and the other side.  There is healing to be found in nature.  There is great healing to be found in helping others grow and succeed. There is also great healing to be found in making your own healing a priority.

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A Way Out of Depression:  Give More Than You Receive

/ Tricia Barker, Author of Angels in the OR / 3 Comments

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This may sound like the worst possible solution, and I understand your frustration at hearing these words.  When you barely have the energy to get out of bed, when you don’t want to face the next moment or the next moment, the idea of helping others seems too difficult of a feat.  How can you help someone when you need so much help?

The answer is simple. All around you people have tougher struggles than you do.  In the act of serving them, you find forgiveness for your particular wounds and begin to see the blessings of your own life more clearly.  Your connection to others, however briefly, reinvigorates you and puts you in touch with the divine flow of grace and love from the other side.

During my near-death experience, I saw quite clearly that angels can work through those who are in action.  You might feel this heavenly energy or someone else might feel this energy and benefit from it.  Whether the energy is recognized or not, know that helping the world become a better, kinder place will give you greater self-esteem.  Most near-death experiencers clearly realize that the greatest aspect of love is not what we receive but what we give to the world.  The love that you give is a currency more valuable than money because it is a memory you will be proud to relive both in your life and in your afterlife.

Helping others does not mean inserting yourself into situations where you are not welcomed or giving unwanted advice or opinions.  Helping others does not mean looking for an attractive person to help simply because you want to be near him or her in the hope that this person might like you.  Aim for unconditional, altruistic actions, and do not except anything in return.  Your nobleness of character will be your greatest return, and you will experience more love, perhaps not exactly in the way you expected to be loved but love will pour into your life the more you give.

Open your eyes to the needs of others.  Perhaps there is a disabled veteran in your area who needs a ride to the grocery store or to appointments.  Maybe you could grocery shop for a disabled veteran or elderly person.  My sweet, loving grandmother died of Alzheimer’s disease while I was teaching English in South Korea.  I hope someone, even a kind stranger, visited her in the nursing home and gave her love.  She gave me much love to me through her prayers, unconditional love, and well-wishes.  She deserved kindness and connection in her final moments.  Consider visiting people in nursing homes and listening to them or simply be with them.  Consider becoming a hospice volunteer.  Consider volunteering at animal shelters or building homes for Habitat for Humanity.

In my area, Catholic Charities has served over 100,000 different families in need.  These families may be struggling in poverty or have other needs.  Many immigrants to this country could greatly benefit from someone who might help them fill out forms, learn English, find affordable grocery stores, and learn more about our culture.  The antidote to fear of others is getting to know them and help them.  You will find amazing stories of great struggle and human triumph in a population of immigrants.  I have met several elderly women who are raising numerous grandchildren whose parents have died from diseases or in bombings.  One woman I met and tutored was an Obstetrician in her own country.  I taught her conversational English so that she could find work in a laboratory cleaning lab equipment.  She hoped to be able to return to college and use her degree in the U.S., but the language barrier was a challenge at her at her age.  When you understand that many wonderful people did everything right in their lives and only had the unfortunate luck to be born in an area that suffered a great famine or war, your heart expands to include more people and more places in this world.

Be open to your own spiritual and emotional growth, and miracles will occur.  You might come across a great business idea or the love of your life while in action.  Neither of these things are guaranteed to occur, but the probability is much higher than if you are isolating and not living connected to others. You will definitely feel better about your life in the act of helping others, and feeling better is the first step to creating a better life.

By helping others, you will create more moments of heaven on earth.  One of my favorite photos is a photo of my Creative Writing students volunteering to tutor kids in a low-income school district.  The smiles on my beautiful college student’s faces mean a great deal to me.  I know that they are experiencing the bliss of being of service to others.   I hope you might experience this joy as well.

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Of course, consider being of service to yourself by finding the most nutrient dense fresh, raw, organic fruits and vegetables to eat.  I am a believer in the healing power of food and supplements, and Anthony William’s book Medical Medium recently added much greater healing to my life, but a healing journey is an individual one and different paths work for different people.  Search for therapists, healers, doctors, and teachers who can help you in your personal struggle.  Search for a place of worship that increases the love in your heart for yourself and for others.  Consider a meditation practice.  Definitely reach out for help immediately if you are in a place where you are considering suicide.  The suggestion to be of service is only a part of a much larger picture that is needed to address any of the causes of an underlying condition.

There is much to say on the topic of depression.   I am only suggesting what has worked for me and what I was shown about the power of love in action on the other side.  I have addressed the issue of depression in multiple ways for years, but when I look back at my life I know that my greatest joys in life have been the moments when I helped others.  Keep searching for what will work for you, and consider ways that you might want to make this world a more beautiful place.  I’ll leave you with a blog post offering ten helpful tips for dealing with depression.

Sexual Assault, Rape Culture, Healing from Trauma, and Anchoring Love in Our World

/ Tricia Barker, Author of Angels in the OR / 4 Comments

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My memoir, Angels in the OR: What Dying Taught Me About Healing, Survival, and Transformation, is available for pre-order.  It is a #1 new release in several categories.  I would love your support of a pre-order.  My aim is to help make near-death experiences more mainstream.

I’m excited to have a narrative piece featured in OTV Magazine about sexual assault and the need for change in our society.  Click here if you would like to read it.

Sexual assault and violence against women is sadly common.  Over the years, many junior high, high school, and college students have confided in me about trauma in their lives currently or in their pasts.  As a junior high teacher, I became a quick expert at handling CPS and police officers.  This was a part of my job that I never imagined while taking college classes and planning lessons.

Changing Rape Culture:  In the future, let’s hope more men are caught on tape calling other men out on bad behavior and anchoring a better, safer world for women, other men, boys, and girls, not bragging about assault. At the very least, these men won’t lose as many of their jobs, clients, friends, family members, and elections if they start behaving differently.

Healing:  Most of all, I hope women who have become more aware of all the assault and trauma they have survived find even greater healing. Recovering from trauma can lead to growth and a greater connection to others.  There are many different methods of counseling and healing modalities to consider.

Each journey is individual, but I encourage every survivor to keep searching and trying different modalities until you find what benefits you the most.  Here is an interesting blog piece about healing the chakras through breath work and yoga.  Life-long patterns of fear and anxiety can be unraveled and reversed.  Many people realize that the mind, body and spirit must be healed after trauma. Here is another beautiful piece about holistic healing after sexual violence. 

Love:  Most of all, I am a big believer in loving yourself enough to heal all that has happened to you.  Matt Kahn’s basic message of love as the answer is a message that resonates with me personally as an NDEr.  Our world needs love that is stronger than all the hate we have witnessed in society.

I’ll leave you with a quote Marianne Williamson recently posted.  “At a time during which the world seems to be falling apart, the antidote to global chaos is a critical mass of people within whom the unintegrated fractals of life are finally coming together. This collective mutation, this alternative to the maladaptive behavior of our species, is appearing out of the mists even now. And from this ragamuffin, international smattering of souls groping however clumsily for enlightenment, there is emerging a forcefield of love so powerful and lasting that hatred itself will fall away in its presence. It is a light that when having attained full brightness, will shine away all darkness from the world. Our task is to assume this, stand on this, and add to this, with all our heart, with all our soul and with all our might. The light is here because it is always here, but we must be its lamps.”