Deep Relaxation: I don’t know about you, but I need to deeply relax and sink into my moments as if I were sinking into a very comfortable chair. I need more of the timelessness and peace that I felt frequently as a beautiful aftereffect of my near-death experience.
Distance: I’m meditating frequently this week, letting my consciousness board an express flight that takes me thousands of light years away from the earth. I like experiencing earth as a distant memory, a tiny blue spec. Any inflamed ego on our planet disappears with enough distance. All people are dust in the wind, and egos are forgotten. With enough distance, anyone can see that we are all connected and all one on this ride around our sun.
I long to see the earth as a bio-diverse ecosystem and remember our connection to nature and to the blue water surrounding us. We understand the peace of this connection when we sink our toes into the edges a beautiful ocean. We can also know this connection if we can learn to relax deeply enough and disconnect from dissonance. When I see the earth from a distance, I can love the earth the same way I love a flower or a tree.
I long to be far away from earth to give people time to change, time to understand how we are all connected, and time to honor this connection. Most of all, I long to feel separation from division and strife. All that I long to do is to express love, connection, and peace. Some days I think that I have evolved too quickly or accidentally ended up on a time machine to a dark past.
Truth and Love: I cannot abide those who hate more than half of the population of earth. Women are integral to the healthy functioning of the planet. They deserve as much respect as men. This should not have to be uttered and should be a common sense truth understood by all humans. No one should have to teach this truth. Women’s voices, power, and presence is important to the earth.
The truth is obvious and located beneath the words that people say, and there are dimensions where there is no more fear and no more hatred. We can all access these places. I encourage everyone to find unlimited peace in quiet, relaxing moments. Love is the most powerful driver and engine on our planet. Use the energy of love to transform your life. And, learn to deeply value relaxation. Consider getting a master’s degree in the art of relaxation.
Take time to relax every day of your beautiful life.
I also made a video to accompany this letter from God. For years, I have required students to pick images to accompany some of their writing or another person’s writing on a video presentation. I enjoyed finally trying one myself. Here it is!
I’m excited to have a narrative piece featured in OTV Magazine about sexual assault and the need for change in our society. Click here if you would like to read it.
Sexual assault and violence against women is sadly common. Over the years, many junior high, high school, and college students have confided in me about trauma in their lives currently or in their pasts. As a junior high teacher, I became a quick expert at handling CPS and police officers. This was a part of my job that I never imagined while taking college classes and planning lessons.
Changing Rape Culture: In the future, let’s hope more men are caught on tape calling other men out on bad behavior and anchoring a better, safer world for women, other men, boys, and girls, not bragging about assault. At the very least, these men won’t lose as many of their jobs, clients, friends, family members, and elections if they start behaving differently.
Healing: Most of all, I hope women who have become more aware of all the assault and trauma they have survived find even greater healing. Recovering from trauma can lead to growth and a greater connection to others. There are many different methods of counseling and healing modalities to consider.
Each journey is individual, but I encourage every survivor to keep searching and trying different modalities until you find what benefits you the most. Here is an interesting blog piece about healing the chakras through breath work and yoga. Life-long patterns of fear and anxiety can be unraveled and reversed. Many people realize that the mind, body and spirit must be healed after trauma. Here is another beautiful piece about holistic healing after sexual violence.
Love: Most of all, I am a big believer in loving yourself enough to heal all that has happened to you. Matt Kahn’s basic message of love as the answer is a message that resonates with me personally as an NDEr. Our world needs love that is stronger than all the hate we have witnessed in society.
I’ll leave you with a quote Marianne Williamson recently posted. “At a time during which the world seems to be falling apart, the antidote to global chaos is a critical mass of people within whom the unintegrated fractals of life are finally coming together. This collective mutation, this alternative to the maladaptive behavior of our species, is appearing out of the mists even now. And from this ragamuffin, international smattering of souls groping however clumsily for enlightenment, there is emerging a forcefield of love so powerful and lasting that hatred itself will fall away in its presence. It is a light that when having attained full brightness, will shine away all darkness from the world. Our task is to assume this, stand on this, and add to this, with all our heart, with all our soul and with all our might. The light is here because it is always here, but we must be its lamps.”
Heaven: The vast majority of NDErs experience heavenly realms, and one of the quotes that struck me came from a woman who talks about art as something reaching for the beauty of Heaven. She states, “I realized that everything we create that is beautiful—all paintings, woven rugs, tapestries, carvings—all have their seed from Heaven. We saw all this before we came to earth, and we try to recapture some of Heaven while on earth.” The discussion of music that NDErs hear is also well-developed and lovely. I didn’t hear music during my experience, but I can only imagine that it would be more pure and alive, as the grass seemed to be more pure and alive on that other side.
Other NDErs write about how everything is about love. I heard the exact statement, “Love is all that matters.” Another NDEr named Diane sums up this idea by saying, “It is all about love. We must love ourselves, and in this way we love God. He is within each of us. We then can love others, even our enemies. We are here to love life, and to express back to our Creator our joy at having life and seeing how beautiful our world is regardless of how we make it.” The heavenly realms described in this section are similar to the one I saw, and the peace NDErs discuss offer readers lovely images and thoughts.
Hell: The authors of this book reassure us that only a very small percentage, “…of all NDEs shared with NDERF are hellish.” They point out that these types of experiences are difficult to study, but ultimately end up providing motivation to the NDEr to reconsider their lives prior to the experience. The authors use the term “a walk through the Valley of Death” instead of hell as many of these experiences are simply just a glimpse at a hellish realm, and some souls choose God or call out to God and move onward in a more heavenly direction.
The authors also make it clear that “bad” people do not only have hellish NDEs, and “good” people do not have heavenly experiences. Some of the hellish experiences may not be NDEs and could be intensive care unit (ICU) psychosis, illicit drug experiences, and so on. However, some of these hellish experiences are experienced as real and intense, but many experiencers walk through these scenes and end up heaven.
The vast majority of NDErs experience a God who is made up of a powerful form of love and is deeply compassionate and resides within everyone. Forgiveness may be the specialty of God and a form of love we can’t fully understand while caught up in the details of these lives.
Reincarnation: One NDEr profiled in the book talks about the possibility of reincarnation and says that God showed a hall that had “…millions and millions of doorways leading off the hall.” Basically, these doorways were particular paths back to a life on earth, but God let this NDEr know that souls have the choice to stay in heaven.
Not every NDEr comes back with this kind of knowledge about reincarnation. I didn’t receive specific knowledge about reincarnation during my NDE, though it has always seemed like a possibility to me, perhaps because certain places in this country and around the world have felt familiar to me and not because of what I’ve read in books or seen in movies.
Books like The Afterlife of Billy Fingers offer greater depth on the possibilities in the extended version of the afterlife. I know that my communications with my father in the afterlife have let me know that he is willing to return to a form because he loves so much about being human and wants to live better the next time. Personally, I fantasize about not coming back to form and exploring how I may be able to help humanity on the other side. This topic isn’t a large part of this book, but since one of the NDErs mentioned it, I feel compelled to address the topic briefly.
Religion: One of the most fascinating parts of the book to me is the section on religion. Some NDErs directly asked God, “What is the right religion?” One man received the answer, “They all are. Each religion is a pathway trying to reach the same place.” He was also told to “…always look at who benefits with regard to rules that religions make. If it is a particular people or the power structure of the religion itself chances are that the religion isn’t of God.” I have always loved the parts of the Bible where Jesus speaks directly, but I since I was a child I have resisted the ideas of certain sexist passages in the Bible.
Another NDEr asked whether only one religion will make it to heaven and was given the reply, “…everyone who believes and has faith, even those who don’t think they do, will make it. It depends on what’s in their hearts.” Again, this rings true for me. Kindness and goodness seem to be the true indicator of a person who is on the right path. Most NDErs, myself included, know how fragile life is and how we shouldn’t waste any of it on anger. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and we should have gratitude and excitement about our lives. Faith makes the journey all the more beautiful.
Most of the NDErs profiled describe a God who is powerful and deeply loving. They struggle to find the vocabulary to describe a God who is everything that exists and everything that doesn’t exist. One NDEr describes our purpose as learning how to “…experience life and learning how to love, create, and develop to the highest we can be.” Sometimes, the best we can do is work towards harmony because “..the universe is full of order, so it always finds a way to balance everything because it can’t exist without perfect balance.”
When NDErs are given information about religion, “…they generally understand that no earthy religion is the ‘chosen religion’ or ‘the one true religion.’” When or if they return to the same religion, they sometimes feel differently about the experience. One NDEr writes, “Many times I’d like to take over the pulpit and tell people what is really on the other side and that the guilt preached by Christian churches is completely inappropriate.”
During my NDE, I was aware that I judged myself much harsher than the light of God judged me. I know that guilt isn’t the way to overcome an addiction or an issue in one’s life. Self-love is the first step that helps. If we begin to love ourselves enough not to harm ourselves and look for ways to heal the wounds and deep seated pain that is often the cause of addiction, we begin to heal. The few times I have attended a Baptist funeral or evangelical sermon, I usually want to pick up a Bible and hit the pastor in the side of the head. Of course, I don’t do that because that wouldn’t be loving or kind, but that is how I feel after experiencing first-hand a love that surpasses all understanding and then hearing harsh judgements in a place of worship.
I agree with an NDEr who writes, “My God is loving and compassionate and lives within me as spirit lives within every one of us.” God lives inside Christians as much as the Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, agnostics, and the spiritual/not religious. Though this may be a difficult concept for some, it is a concept that makes complete sense if you fill your heart with love for all living beings. That love for all brings you closer to the love of God.
For some reason, I only recently discovered the NDERF website . This website allows NDErs to submit their own accounts of their experience and requires them to answer specific questions. These questions allowed the researchers to compare various experiences and helped in the formation of this book. I can certainly see how it would be both a long project and an inspiring one to examine so many of these accounts, and I’m grateful to the authors for examining this topic in such great depth. I will create another post for some of my favorite moments in the book, but I want discuss the experience of God and the purpose driven lives so many NDErs talk about in this first post.
Early in the book, the authors sum up the significance of the similarities of the many NDEr’s accounts by saying, “It is highly unlikely they could all by lying or tricked by a subjective experience, since their reports are so similar. Can these people be wrong? For the evidence of the reality of God in the God Study to be dismissed, each one of the NDErs would have to be mistaken that they were aware of God…”
I have always looked at my near-death experience and encounter with God as the most real and important moment of my life. When I was in the hospital and given heavy doses of morphine, my biggest fear was that I might somehow forget those moments outside of my body. Quite the opposite occurred, and the memory of the experiences outside of form have stayed bright and clear over the years.
Accounts of God: This book covers many accounts of God and the light, especially focusing on the unconditional love and mercy so many experiencers describe. I still get emotional talking about the beauty of the light as I neared it, and I struggle to find the words to accurately describe a love that is both familiar and a part of me, but also incredibly immense, powerful, free, natural, and merciful. The light is love, knowledge, peace, and understanding. When I struggle to describe God and the light, I am apparently not alone. Many NDErs in this book mention the struggle to find the words to accurately describe an experience that lies beyond the scope of what we understand while in these bodies.
Many NDErs also want others to understand certain key concepts about this love. At the basis of my experience, love seemed to be a deep, calming, complete acceptance, and I am also not alone according to the reports. Love is described as not judgement but as a profound, enveloping kind of love. The authors sum up these experiences by saying, “…God’s love for each of us is complete, deep, and without reservation and extends to everyone and everything. It is probably worth imagining what would happen if this revelation where embraced worldwide.”
Perhaps if this revelation were embraced, people’s energy would be spent on ways to make this life experience beautiful, peaceful, and happy for all of us. That might seem like a far-fetched proposition, but it actually isn’t. Life is meant to be enjoyed in simple, beautiful ways.
God’s Appearance: NDErs experienced God’s appearance differently at times. I experienced the afterlife as a place where form is easily mutable. Since it is such a shock to be out of the body, the light/God seems to want us to feel at ease; thus, people and experiences may take on forms to put us individually more at ease in that environment.
The idea that God may take on different forms was repeated by many other NDE accounts. After telling a few people about my NDE, I was told by agnostics that what I experienced was a dream or the brain shutting down, and I was told by a few Christians (including some in my family) that my experience was “of the devil.” Nothing could be farther from the truth, and God and the Afterlife might be the very book to open a few of the minds and hearts of people who continue to rely on these worn-out refutations. The environment outside of my body was more real than this reality, and the love I encountered from God surpasses all human experiences, beliefs, creeds, religions, and philosophies. That love seemed to be my true home, and I can only assume it is the true home for everyone.
NDErs Missions on Earth: When NDErs have a moment where they must make a choice or they are told to return to earth, their reactions vary. Some experiencers were lucky enough to ask what they should bring back to their lives with them. I briefly saw that I should remind others of the light (which is knowledge, love, joy, appreciation of the moment) and to dispel fear in others while I worked as a teacher. Other NDErs had longer conversations about the purpose of life, and this section of the book is fascinating.
One NDEr writes about our purpose for returning by saying, “I was told that I was here to learn how to love and to gain knowledge. This wasn’t said with words, but by thoughts, with all connotations of the words “love” and “knowledge” shown to me. I knew this wasn’t just about book knowledge or physical love. It was about learning how to accept every race and have no prejudice; I was to keep expanding and learning about earth, nature, animals, and people. And this was the mission of all humankind, not just me.”
This statement ties in perfectly to the idea of God’s profound love extending to each and everyone one of us. There are other aspects of this book I hope to cover in another post, but for now I will leave you with these ideas. It should be encouraging for everyone to realize that we are loved more than we can imagine, and that as we continue to grow in understanding we are more in touch with a loving God. I highly recommend this book for those who are interested in the conclusions of extensive research based on the accounts of near-death experiences.
Unlike the Stephen King quote below, I have been interested in this topic since I was twenty-two and had a life-changing couple of minutes outside of my body. I hope more people might become interested in this topic at younger ages. I believe that most NDErs only want to share the peace and love they have experienced.
If you want to read my next post about this book, here it is.
You are prepared. You’ve done your homework, and you are ready to take your life to the next level.
How do you make the jump into greater success whether this success is a new job, starting a company, a new project, or even a new relationship?
#1Be nice to everyone you encounter. You don’t have to be everyone’s new friend. However, say you are looking for a job. You should be nice to the attendants in the parking garage. Start up a conversation with the janitorial staff, and be extremely kind to the administrative staff.
You never know who might observe you and remember your presence and how you interact with the world. You never know who might put in a good word for you, so pay attention to everyone. Wish your fellow job applicants success. Your kindness will come back to you eventually. Kindness will clear many obstacles from your path.
#2 Clean up your past. You biggest obstacle to success is usually yourself. Whether this is a questionable social media image, negative self-talk, or negative relationships with others, take stock of how others view you. Make sure that your social media profile doesn’t have pictures of days and nights spent partying. Don’t have check-ins at pub crawls, strip clubs, and bars. Show that you are a well-rounded individual with many interests. Volunteering to help others is one of the best activities to document. The more you give, the more respect you earn.
Also, pay close attention to who you follow and who you connect with on social media. If you are a single guy, and you follow a lot of exotic dancers and pornographers, you are going to look ridiculous to most women who view your profile. Beyond looking ridiculous, pornography fuels human trafficking and 66-90 % of women involved in the production of pornography were sexually abused as children. If a woman is in administration, she won’t give you a second thought if you openly follow pornography. If a successful woman is interested in dating you, she will most likely feel disgust for you if you follow pornography. Work on showing a connection and passion to your field through social media. Additionally, make sure your email address is a version of your name. Save “MissSexy69” for your password and not what is visible to the world. What you are aiming to become is a leader with integrity, so start acting that way ahead of time.
Maybe you don’t have an issue with a questionable social media profile, but you have anger or resentments from things that have happened in your past. You cannot think a negative thought and positive thought at the same time, so choose positive thoughts for your life and future. Clean up your own negativity in order to move forward into your future.
Also, as a college professor, I see people returning to school with significant others who are resentful and try to sabotage their partner’s attempts to better their lives. As you make a jump forward in your life, whether this is a career, new degree, or new opportunity, pay close attention to the people who do not support you. Realize that it is hard enough to achieve success with supportive people around you. Consider cleaning unsupportive people out of your life.
#3 Do the hard work. I see a lot of creative people with amazing ideas fail because they procrastinate, give up in the face of a challenge, or give in to laziness or self-pity. The difference between coming up with ideas versus seeing things through to the end is the willingness to struggle, to do things that are not enjoyable, and to grow.
If you are willing to grow and learn, then your ego is a healthy one. A fragile ego prevents some people from succeeding because they don’t want to accept that their first attempt may need considerable improvement. They make numerous excuses for why they cannot achieve certain goals because it is easier to live in a dream world than to dig in, realize their weaknesses, and work to improve various areas that need improvement.
Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help, and don’t be afraid to continue to learn. You can make the learning process fun, and you can create magic along the way. However, the work can’t be avoided or dreamt away, so focus on the many small steps toward a goal and not only the end goal. Set deadlines, and get busy! Self-discipline will help manifest miracles.
I leave you with a poem by Marge Piercy about the beauty of hard work.
I’ve always enjoyed Mary Oliver’s nature based themes and spiritual themes. The last stanza of this poem with the lines, “…lights up the deep and wondrous/drownings of the body/like a star” is gorgeous. I think of the spirit like that–this beautiful light that lives in form, much to its dismay at times. The poem of mine is about finding love and peace in simple moments in nature. Magic happens in the now.
Mindfulness for Millennials: If you are a millennial, you may have heard of mindfulness in connection to Buddhism, meditation, or yoga. Perhaps, you already have a practice. If you do, hopefully the peace and awareness from your practice extends into every area of your life. Mindfulness is something you should try to incorporate in every area of your life. At a very basic level, mindfulness is being in a state of awareness, and even if you are not interested in meditation, consider the importance of mindfulness in your day to day activities.
It took a devastating car accident and a near-death experience to wake me up at twenty-one, but I would like for you to wake up in a gentler, kinder way. Being conscious of the world around you can save your life, but it can also bring more peace and understanding to your everyday activities. You will be able to handle stress more effectively and make better decisions in all areas of your life. You will be better in relationships, better in school, and in the workforce. You intuition will increase, and you will understand the world and other people in deeper ways. These tips definitely apply for those who are a part of Generation Z, as well as to those in Generation X and Baby Boomers who haven’t examined their relationship to technology and set aside time away from their devices.
#1 Be More Mindful with Technology: One of the first ways to become more mindful is to consider how you navigate the world with devices. As I walk the halls of the college where I teach, students are glued to their phones. Often, they nearly run into me in the stairwell. I’m an instructor, and these students might want to ask me for a letter of recommendation at some point. They should smile, make eye contact, and look around the world. They should talk more frequently to those around them as they wait for class to start.
A popular spoken word video by Gary Turk came out a few years ago called Look Up. The video shows people in different situations and how their world would deepen and become more meaningful if they put down their phones. I want to tell millennials (and Generation Z) to look up and stay looking up. Interact with people around you. Observe others. The more you observe the world around you, the deeper your intuition grows. Intuition is a completely different subject that I will return to at another time, but for now know that intuition is often a whisper. You have certainly felt your inner guidance warn you about someone. Maybe you overlooked this warning and listened to what someone said about themselves instead of what your feelings were telling you. Later, you might have found out you were right. That was your intuition talking. If you constantly distract yourself with your phone, you will not develop intuition and pick up on the subtle cues that people give off with micro-expressions. With a bit of training, you can easily pick up on lies and other subtle clues that people give you with communicating face to face.
Additionally, professors and bosses will react more positively to a face to face meeting than another email or text. We receive hundreds of emails daily, but a face to face interaction is much more memorable and meaningful. You are more likely to get the help you need with a meeting in person.
#2 Be More Mindful about How You Interact with People: As I look around the world at millennial couples, I see a lot of people together but lost in screens. I am not sure if one person is addicted to social media and the other person feels lonely waiting for that person to get off their phone, so they interact to fill the time. Whatever the case, mindfulness teaches you how to see the beauty and mystery in other human beings. Develop curiosity about the lives and feelings of those close to you. Make a lot of eye contact, and create conscious, loving moments with people you love. Your friendships and romantic relationships will greatly benefit with more conscious attention.
After my near-death experience, I was deeply curious about everyone. I wanted to know what made people tick, what secrets they kept in their hearts, and what dreams they had for themselves. Develop curiosity about people, and believe that they can and will show you their best selves. As you develop greater intuition, you will also discern who you should not to give your time to and who might be dangerous.
#3 Take Breaks: Mindful people know how to take breaks and how to deeply enjoy these breaks. Meditation has amazing physiological and psychological benefits. During my recovery after surgery, I had a lot of time on my hands, and I discovered the joy and peace that can be found through meditation. My body healed quickly, and I attribute part of my speedy recovery to meditation.
When my body cast was removed, and I returned to the beautiful U.T. Austin campus, I often took breaks that semester. I felt ecstatic just to be alive. I sat on benches and watched the world swirl by me. I felt gloriously happy just to walk, have breath, and be alive. I have felt grateful for most every moment in my life since, even the tough moments. I realized after my NDE that it is a blessing to be above ground and to get to experience the world in deeply meaningful ways.
Millennials are a stressed-out group, and you need breaks badly. You expect things to happen for you instantly and quickly. Breaks help you enjoy life and develop patience. You need to take time just for yourself and not answer a single text, email, or engage with anything other than silence for a part of your day. However, if silence is too overwhelming, and you are not ready for a daily meditation practice, consider shutting your eyes and listening to calming music as you breathe deeply every day for a specific amount of time. Alternately, you might do as I did and sit somewhere in a beautiful area and think of all the things you are grateful for in your life. Whatever you do, experience daily breaks in a meaningful way.
#4 Go Out in Nature: Generation Xers had more freedom growing up, and many tend to associate nature with playing and having a great time. I want your generation to experience the same child-like glee that many of us feel in nature. Climbing a mountain is not only great exercise, but it allows you to get far away from everything that troubles you in your life below. It is not a coincidence that many temples are built on mountaintops. You are literally closer to God or a higher consciousness because you have escaped the hustle and bustle of the world below.
Nature is not just something to look at; rather, it is something to experience. Being in nature invites you to open up to your senses and be in the here and now. There is healing energy in nature, and your brain relaxes and thinks differently in beautiful areas. If you have experienced trauma in your life, nature is a place where you can begin to heal these parts of yourself.
The Celestine Prophecy outlines the ways that humanity can begin to awaken, and one of the first ways is to become aware of the energy and power in the natural world. Once you are aware of this energy, you realize that nature gives you energy. The millennial generation should be the generation that creates greater sustainability and awareness of nature. To do this, you need to get out and appreciate it yourself.
#5 Nourish Yourself: Don’t always reach for sugar and caffeine when you need energy. Consider drinking water and eating a piece of fruit. Look to nature as a way to determine what might be most nourishing for your body. After my near-death experience, I was deeply aware of what it felt like to have a body again, much like an infant or child is aware of the body. Though I grew up a little quicker than an infant, I deeply appreciated the senses for quite a while. Food sometimes felt like a psychedelic experience. After being in ICU for three days, and fed through an IV for several more days, the first sensation of food sent me spinning and felt like manna from the heavens.
Once I left the hospital, I researched diets and decided on a mostly raw fruit and vegetable diet. I attribute the diet to how quickly my body healed. Do research yourself, but also use common sense. Everybody is different, but more raw fruits and vegetables added to any diet will probably benefit you.
My Connection to Mindfulness:My near-death experience taught me mindfulness in a direct and instantaneous way. I was pleased to be back in the body and experience all of my senses. I loved to taste amazing foods and interact with others. Even through the physical pain of healing, I used meditation and other tools to speed my recovery. I didn’t run from the pain; rather I embraced it without pain killers and trained my mind to adapt to the pain and work through it. Pain passes, and it passes quicker when you don’t run from it or deny it.
Additionally, my near-death experience showed me that I needed to return to my body and become a teacher. For several years now, I’ve taught English and Creative Writing at the college level, and I’ve observed and worked with thousands of millennials. Though millennials are a great, fun group, I would like to see more of you practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness will help you become more successful students, friends, romantic partners, employees, and employers. Mindfulness may be an important key for success, and it is my sincere wish to see this amazing generation grow more conscious and aware.
So many educators are aware of the importance of teaching mindfulness to students. Here is a wonderful blog post about teaching mindfulness in the classroom.
If you would like to learn more about meditation, I high recommend reading the books of Thich Nhat Hanh. You might also check out this YouTube video where Jon Kabat-Zinn discusses what mindfulness and meditation are really about: presence of heart.
If you would like a simple way to practice a loving, healing five minute meditation, check out this one by Louise Hay.
Hope is the only thing that matters because it points to the inevitable.—Pam Grout
Today, I watch my prayer flags blowing in the wind and remember a time in my life when I was ridiculously optimistic. I was eighteen and close to graduating from high school. I hadn’t received any scholarships yet, but I visualized money flying into my mailbox on a magic carpet ride. Thousands of dollars did indeed arrive, and I knew those checks sealed my fate. I would be leaving East Texas and never returning. I took pictures of my ramshackle of a home to remember it. I captured the sinking floors, the sinking roof, and the black mildew covering the walls. I captured the peeling wallpaper, the wood panel, and the mouse droppings. I grew up poor, ridiculously poor, like Walmart was too good for us kind of poor. Poor like I rolled up white bread and ate it slowly when the hunger pains hit. Poor like I wished my parents weren’t proud and would’ve applied for welfare so I could eat free school lunches. I envied the kids eating warm breakfasts in the cafeteria.
I wore clothes from garage sales and was picked on unmercifully in late elementary school and early junior high. Girls called me ugly, disgusting, and worthless. When I look back at the pictures, I was adorable, a little malnourished and underdeveloped but worthy of love. All kids are worthy of love. My innocent heart and compassionate nature was lovely. I liked all people in an open-hearted way. I didn’t understand why my love wasn’t often returned, but I realized that was probably more about them than about me. I didn’t understand why my parents hated each other and didn’t get divorced. I didn’t understand why I had to observe mom hurling abuse in dad’s direction and dad ducking out the door and coming back late at night. He never came around much during the evenings other than to shower and head out again, only saying, “Keep up the good work in school, kiddo.” At least he said something nice. Sometimes, that phrase would be the only kind thing I heard all day.
Most nights, dad stayed away from the house until 10 or 11 p.m. On weekends, he went on fishing trips. When he wasn’t around, mom generally yelled at me for minor reasons, threatened suicide around 5 p.m., and went to bed around 6 p.m. At first, I tried to find help for her by asking a few friends parents about therapists or ministers, but she refused all help. She wasn’t always unstable, but many times I felt scared for her. I was unable to help her in those moments because I needed parenting myself and a peaceful place to live. I didn’t have siblings and there weren’t any kids in my neighborhood to hang out with. I was alone except for the phone and the moon and the stars.
However, my life situation didn’t matter much to me on most nights. I had a connection to nature, books from the library, and so much freaking optimism. I had the optimism of a rocket not afraid to leave the earth’s atmosphere. I wrote poems late into the night. My future felt like a wild ride, and I was a racecar driver. I left East Texas a week after graduation with unlimited optimism. Whatever life had given me didn’t matter. I was a live wire, a magician, and a song writer. My life was my song.
I wish I could bottle the enthusiasm of that eighteen-year-old girl. I wish I could make it into a magic, everlasting elixir and give it to everyone. It didn’t matter that life would crush me in a hundred different ways after that moment. It only matters that I dared to dream. I dared to try. I shot for the stars and made it to a few mountaintops around the world. Hope doesn’t have to be reserved for the young. Hope is a gift we give ourselves because we love ourselves despite our life situations or challenges. Hope is a gift we give ourselves in order to rise above and beyond what is going on around us. Hope means loving yourself enough to get excited about what comes next.
Eventually, my mother left my father and created a better life for herself by looking to new horizons and taking chances. My father died eight years ago, but he died better and more optimistically than anyone that I have ever witnessed or read about. He didn’t try to hang on desperately to his dying body. His soul grew large, and he met death with curiosity, ready for his next adventure and solidly certain that his soul would go on. To this day, I still get communications from him.
Today, I am excited about what comes next, not exactly in the same way that I was excited at eighteen but excited. This excitement comes from not bothering to turn my head back into the past. My head is on straight, and my sight is set on the next horizon. Each setting sun is a prayer flag waving back at me, a blessing giver throwing confetti. I am my own beacon of light, and I’m not lost at sea. My ship has docked in a fabulous port. I know there’s spicy food at a restaurant nearby, and I like my food very spicy. I can afford desert as well. I’m in my own commercial, and I’m sold on the life that life is giving me. Everything is turning out beautifully. Better than I could’ve imagined. I wish this for everyone. Hope and so much freaking optimism.
As a former public school teacher and college professor, I inherently know how to deal with negative students and parents and redirect negative people very quickly in different directions, sometimes even transforming their anger or negativity into a talk about what is really going on in their lives to make them lash out at me or others. Other times, they are sent in a different direction all together so that I can focus on others who are willing to learn and grow. Ralph Smart’s responses make sense to me, and I incorporate most of these techniques automatically in the classroom.
Each situation with a negative person requires a slightly different response and a different set of skills, but the main point is that negativity doesn’t get to win. I won’t let one student’s negativity detract from my mission from the light. I wasn’t sent back to earth after my NDE to let negativity interfere with the light and my mission. I am meant to shine light into my own life and the lives of others. My guides don’t let negativity win, and I don’t let it win either. At a basic level, I must help my students become better communicators, thinkers, and writers. On another level, I have an intent to help others feel better about themselves and achieve their personal goals.
I don’t talk about the negative students in the lounges and with other professors unless I want input on how to more effectively deal with a troubled student and think someone I know can offer sound advice. I don’t complain about students and spend my energy in that way. I talk about the students who inspire me with their drive, ambition, and ability to persist despite adversities.
The Five Ways Ralph Smart Recommends for How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Negativity:
You can’t please everyone. Everyone is here for a different reason. There is nothing wrong with being nice, but it’s more important to be yourself. When you trust yourself, you are loving yourself and accepting of yourself 100%. If others don’t like it, they can hit the road. (As a teacher, realize that every student will not appreciate your style of teaching, your content, or your ideas. Realize that you are there to reach who you can on a deeper level and to help every one of your students succeed whether they like you or not. Things generally run smoothly if you take this approach. And remember the ten second rule. Students make judgements about you in the first ten seconds they see you. Smile, hold your head high, look in control, and ask certain students informal questions before class starts to show that you care about them.)
Choose whether you want to be invited where this person will take you. No one can enter your world without an invitation. We are consciously and unconsciously inviting others into our temple which is ourselves. (Pay more attention to the students who are doing things right–learning, growing, and participating. Those who are working as a distraction need to be dealt with in various ways. Extroverted students can be fun, and if you make room for discussion in your classroom, give them specific ways to talk about the content. Engage with them during discussions. Negative distractions should not be invited into your consciousness for long.)
Do not pay attention. Some people can be classified as energy vampires. A parasite can only live on the host’s body. Whatever you focus on grows. Energy vampires work by making you think of them. Just the thought of them alone is tiring. Pay attention to where you pay attention. Are you focusing on what you want or on what you fear? An “emotional drive by” is when someone dumps their negative energy on you and then drives off. Don’t become a trashcan for someone else’s garbage. (Know what your purpose and intent is in the classroom. Don’t let your focus waver from the goal of helping and inspiring others. For example, one of my intentions is to give my students new ways to think and to give them the light and peace that comes from loving oneself and believing in oneself.)
Breathing increasing the blood flow. Just going into nature can purify your senses. Meditate, dance, sing, and heal. Become like the butterfly. It is light and moves around quickly, not absorbing others energy. Keep your head up and pay attention to your body language. Becoming lighter is the only way to fly. Keep it moving. (Consider teaching mindfulness in your classes or let your students research ways to decrease stress and increase joy in their lives. You can also invite someone into your classroom to teach mindfulness if this is not your area of interest. On nice days, I sometimes conduct class by the river or outside somewhere. I always recommend nature to heal our bodies, minds, and souls.)
Take responsibility for your internal condition. Ask yourself, “How do I feel?” To stop absorbing other’s energy, you must realize that you should take care of how you feel at any given moment in the day. What you fight, you give energy to. Everything is based around perception. The perception we have of ourselves is greater than the perception others have of us. That is the secret. Once you change your perception, you change your reality. No one has power unless you give them power. Fly past other people and let go of fear. (Know that with the intent to help others in the classroom, you will generally feel GREAT. All of your problems will evaporate the minute you step in the classroom ready to be a force of goodness and work for the benefit of others.)
As a teacher, you have control over the flow of energy in your classroom. If you make it known that you are there to work for the benefit of all your students, you usually gain their respect, even if this takes a while. Everyone has a different teaching style. You don’t have to make yourself into someone you are not. I’m not an authoritarian, but I deal with problems quickly.
I hope every new public school teacher and college professor has a team of administrators who support them. Years ago, when I did my student teaching, I taught an eleventh grader who abused drugs and sometimes walked on desks at random. I immediately moved his desk outside and asked him to step outside. Long term, I preferred that he get the help he needed somewhere other than my classroom. When I talked with the principal and suggested an alternative school, he looked at me with a smirk and said, “There isn’t room in the alternative school, in ISS, or detention. You’re going to have to deal with him yourself.”
This might’ve been an initiation of sorts, but I didn’t appreciate his lack of support. I dealt with the student in two different ways. By a stroke of luck, I ended up on a city bus with the student, and he looked smaller and more afraid amidst a crowd of adults. A friend of his was making fun of how little he knew about history, so I first taught them both a few memorization skills. Secondly, I confronted his actions and said, “I know you are planning on dropping out of high school. You don’t take school seriously and have a zero in my class. When are you dropping out?”
He looked startled and told he was wasn’t sure when. I told him that before he dropped out, I wanted him to take this test using the memorization skills and see if he could pass. I asked him to write one serious essay in my class and receive my comments. Amazingly, he agreed. He passed the history test and wrote a surprisingly creative essay for my class. I praised his writing and told him that the GED was always an option if he dropped out. We talked about alternative careers as well that didn’t require a degree, but I let him know he had the ability to do well in school.
He never walked on desks or interrupted my class again once I focused my attention on what he was doing right and could do right. Eventually, on the days he planned on being a disruption, he moved his own desk outside of my classroom so I could teach the other students. This student was kicked out of school after a fight, but I think about that essay he wrote, and I remember the positive moments of our interaction way more the negative.
Sometimes, dealing with a negative person means finding something they are doing right and focusing on that and making that grow in their lives. Sometimes, dealing with a negative person means not dealing with that person at all. In good school districts, I had administrators who handled negative, disruptive students in loving but firm ways. They gave consequences for bad behavior and reeducated these students.
In society and in schools, rules and those who enforce rules are very important. Schools run better with great administration who care about students, and societies run better with understanding but firm police officers and enforced laws. With this kind of help from administration, teachers can focus on all the many amazing, positive students in their classrooms, and people in the world can live their lives in peace.
Tricia Barker 